Monday, August 22, 2016

READ EVERY WORD, THEN JUDGE ME!!

READ EVERY WORD, THEN JUDGE ME!! 


MAT HONAN: HOW I RESURRECTED MY DIGITAL LIFE AFTER AN EPIC HACKING

When my data died, it was the cloud that killed it. The triggers hackers used to break into my accounts and delete my files were all cloud-based services — iCloud, Google, and Amazon. Some pundits have latched onto this detail to indict our era of cloud computing. Yet just as the cloud enabled my disaster, so too was it my salvation. 

Yes, you can die by the cloud. But you can live by it too. Here's how I regained my digital life after it was taken away from me. 

When hackers broke into my iCloud account and wiped my devices, my first assumption was that someone had broken into my local network. So the first thing I did was shut down the internet and turn off all of my other machines. I wanted those assholes out of my house. But that also meant I had no way to send or receive data.

AppleCare's phone support was useless. The 90 fruitless minutes I spent on the phone accomplished nothing at all to regain control of my AppleID. Nor did a follow-up help to stop the remote wipe taking over my MacBook Air. I had to get online. So to reconstruct my life, I started off by going next door, where I borrowed my neighbor's computer to use their internet. 

Ultimately, I was able to get back into my iCloud account by resetting the password online. Once I did, I began restoring my iPhone and iPad from iCloud backups. The phone took seven hours to restore. The iPad took even longer. I could use neither during this time. 

From my wife's phone, I called my bank and completely changed my logins. Then I set about checking online to see which other accounts might have been compromised. By now I felt safe turning on our own home internet and using one of my other computers to check these accounts. But I hit an immediate problem: I didn't know any of my passwords. 

I'm a heavy 1Password user. I use it for everything. That means most of my passwords are long, alphanumeric strings of gibberish with random symbols. It's on my iPhone, iPad and Macbook. It syncs up across all those devices because I store the keychain in the cloud on Dropbox. Update a password on my phone, and the file is saved on Dropbox, where my computer will pull it down later, and vice versa. 

But I didn't have it on any of our other systems. So now I couldn't get to my keychain. And so I was stuck in a catch-22. My Dropbox password was itself a 1password-generated litany of nonsense. Without access to Dropbox, I couldn't get my keychain. Without my keychain, I couldn't get into Dropbox. 

And then I remembered that I had also used Dropbox previously on my wife's machine. Had I stored the password there? 

Five hours after the hack started, still locked out of everything, I flipped open the lid of her computer, and nervously powered it up. And there it was: my Dropbox. And in it, my 1Password keychain, the gateway to my digital life. 

It was time to get cranking. I set up a new Twitter account. And then, with my now-found password manager, I logged into Tumblr. 

Here's the thing: I probably got my stuff back faster than you would have. I've been a technology journalist for more than a dozen years, and in that time I've made lots and lots of contacts. Meanwhile, my Tumblr post spread like warm butter across the piping hot English muffin of the internet. 

A lot of people saw the post, some of whom were executives or engineers at Google and Twitter. I still had to go through official channels, but they pointed me to the right place to start the recovery process on both of those services. On Friday night, I filled out forms on both sites (Google's is here, Twitter's is here) to try to reclaim my accounts. 

Someone else saw my posts on that night too: my hacker. 

I had posited that the hackers had gotten in via brute forcing my 7-digit password. This caused my hacker, Phobia, to respond to me. No, he bragged, brute force wasn't involved. They got it right from AppleCare, he said via a Twitter DM. I still didn't know how that worked, exactly, but this piece of information led me to start digging. 

As it turned out, breaking into Apple accounts was ridiculously easy. On Saturday, when I fully understood just how Phobia and his partner had gotten in (and how easily it could happen again), I made a distressed phone call to Apple to ask that the company lock everything down, and issue no more password resets. 

It was on this call that I confirmed someone else had called in about my account at 4:33 p.m. the previous day — someone who I now knew to be Phobia. Chandler McDonald, the tech who helped me on that call, was the first person at Apple to take what was happening really seriously, and was one of only two positive experiences I had with Apple that weekend (or since). McDonald reassured me that he was going to get my account locked down, and promised to call me the next day. And he did. I'm still grateful.

Also on Friday night, I began the process of restoring my Google account. Because I couldn't send a backup to my now non-functioning phone, I had to fill out some forms online that asked me questions about my account usage that, presumably, only I would know. For example, I was asked to name the five people I e-mailed the most. 

On Saturday morning, I received an automated e-mail from Google asking me to go online and define even more personal information. This time, I was asked for things like the names of folders in my Gmail account, and the dates on which I had set up various other Google accounts, like Google Docs. It was a little flummoxing, and I wasn't sure I knew the answers to these questions. But I tried, and I guess I got the answers right.

That same day, while still waiting for access to my Google account, I was having another Google-related problem that was keeping me from being able to use my phone. Although the restore from backup was complete, and I could use over-the-air data to access internet services, it would not send or receive calls. At first I couldn't understand why, and then realized it was because I had linked my number to Google Voice.

Since Google has integrated sign-ons across all accounts, not only was my Gmail nuked, but so was every other associated Google service as well. That meant my Google Voice number was dead. And because I (obviously) couldn't log into Google Voice, I couldn't opt to disconnect it from my phone. I called Sprint and asked the tech support rep there to do it for me. Done. 

Almost immediately, my phone lit up with text messages from concerned friends, wanting to let me know I'd been hacked. 

Thanks guys, I know. I know. 

Just before noon on Saturday, my Google account was restored. Given what I've subsequently learned about how long it has taken others to do the same, I think that had my case not been escalated, this process could have taken 48 hours or more. Yes, I went through the normal steps, and had to prove I was who I claimed to be, but the process was likely faster for me than it would be for most. 

Once in my inbox, I saw how remarkably little the intruders had done. They had torched the joint just after getting a password reset on Twitter. I went through and checked all my mail filters and settings to make sure new messages wouldn't be also copied to someone else without my knowledge, and systematically revoked every single app and website I'd authorized to connect to my Google account. 

Saturday night, after verifying my Wired e-mail address and exchanging several e-mails with tech support, I got back into my Twitter account too. It was in ruins. There were racist and anti-gay tweets all over the place, as well as taunting remarks aimed at other hackers, and other users. At first I left these up, just as documentation, but then went in and deleted the worst of them. 

That night, I stayed up late, direct-messaging Phobia on Twitter. 

Sunday afternoon, I found myself at the Apple Store in San Francisco's worst mall. I was, to say the least, cranky. Although I'd called on a Friday night, the first appointment I could get was at 1 p.m. on Sunday. By 1:20 p.m., I was talking to an Apple genius named Max. He was awesome. He'd heard of my case. 

He told me that while Apple couldn't recover my data, it could probably stop the wipe from progressing further. There was the 4-digit PIN that needed to be entered, as well as a firmware-level password, and I had neither. I told him all I cared about was preserving my data. He scurried away with my machine. 

And indeed, Monday afternoon, Max called to let me know that they had been able to reset the firmware password. They couldn't crack the PIN, but he said I should be able to pull whatever data existed on there off. Good news. I began researching data-recovery firms. 

A photo of the author and his daughter, shortly after her birth, that existed only on his hard drive.

Getting data back from a SSD drive, like the one in my MacBook Air, is considerably trickier than recovering it from a standard HDD for all kinds of reasons — from the way SSDs reallocate data, to the lack of a physical platter, to hardware-level encryption keys. I wasn't about to attempt to recover it myself. Max, my guy at the Apple Store, had suggested that I call DriveSavers. Several other people I know and respect, like TWiT's Leo Laporte, whose show I appeared on that weekend, told me the same thing. 

And so, on Friday, exactly one week after my system was wiped, I sent my Mac away to Novato to see what could be recovered from the drive hackers had wiped. 

In a nutshell, here's what happens when you take your machine to DriveSavers (and we'll have a full rundown on this later). First, they remove your drive from the machine and put it in a custom adapter. From there they use a proprietary method to image your system and copy that data to a secure "slicked" disk so there's no chance of data contamination. This is done extremely rapidly so that the original drive doesn't have to be powered up for very long. 

Next they put the original drive aside to preserve it, and then begin working off the copy to see what's on there. In some cases, like mine, there are no more files or directory structures to pore over. So they scour the drives looking at raw hex data. When you see this in action, it looks a lot like The Matrix, with rows and rows of random numbers and characters scrolling up a screen, faster than your eyes can focus on. 

Except, that's not what they saw on mine. 

When Drivesavers began looking at my machine, the first 6GB of data held a clean install of Mac OS X. And after that, all they saw was row after row after row of zeroes. That data had been zeroed out. Overwritten. No recovery. 

And then numbers. That beautiful hex data started rolling across the screen. Yes, 25 percent of my drive was gone and beyond repair. But the remaining 75 percent? Hope for life. DriveSavers called me to come look at what they had found, and my wife and I drove up there on Wednesday morning. 

My data came back to me on an external hard drive, organized by file types. The thing I cared most about, above all else, was my photo library. And there, in a folder full of JPGs, was photo after photo after photo that I had feared were gone forever. Subfolders were organized by the year, month and day files were created. I went immediately to the folder that bore the date my daughter was born. They were there. Everything was there. We were floored. I nearly cried. 

I am an over-sharer. But the things most intimate in life, I tend to keep private. And so although I have posted picture after picture to Flickr, Facebook and Instagram, the stuff that was really important — the stuff that maybe even was most important — has always been mine alone. It lived nowhere but on my hard drive. 

Some of the photos were ancient artifacts that traveled with me from machine to machine with each upgrade cycle. In fact, much of the data was far older than the last device it was stored on. Most of those older images had been backed up to an external hard drive. And some of the newer ones were safe on PhotoStream, one of Apple's iCloud services. But most of the shots that I had taken with my camera over the past 20 months since I last backed up were lost forever. And here they were again, recovered. Reborn. It was gorgeous.

I didn't get everything back. DriveSavers was only looking for the things I specifically requested. I've lost all my applications, for example, as well as long-established preferences and settings that have been moving from machine to machine with me. But that's OK. I can live without them. I can buy them again. Whatever. Besides, sometimes it's nice to start with a clean slate, and I spent yesterday installing a new, clean operating system on my MacBook Air.

The bottom line is that I have all my photos and all the home movies I've shot. Every one of them. And seemingly all of my most important documents as well. That felt like a miracle. 

The bill for all this? $1,690. Data doesn't come cheap.

I've been asked again and again what I've learned, and what I now do differently. I'm still figuring some of that out. 

I'm certainly a backup believer now. When you control your data locally, and have it stored redundantly, no one can take it from you. Not permanently, at least. I've now got a local and online backup solution, and I'm about to add a second off-site backup into that mix. That means I'll have four copies of everything important to me. Overkill? Probably. But I'm once bitten. 

And then there's the cloud. I'm a bigger believer in cloud services than ever before. Because I use Rdio, not iTunes, I had all my music right away. Because I use Evernote to take reporting notes, everything that I was currently working on still existed. Dropbox and 1Password re-opened every door for me in a way that would have been impossible if I were just storing passwords locally via my browser. 

But I'm also a security convert. 

It's shameful that Apple has asked its users to put so much trust in its cloud services, and not put better security mechanisms in place to protect them. AppleIDs are too easily reset, which effectively makes iCloud a data security nightmare. I've had person after person after person report similar instances to me, some providing documentation showing how easily their Apple accounts were compromised. 

And due to Apple's opacity, I have no way of knowing if things have improved. Apple has refused to tell me in what ways its policies weren't followed "completely" in my case. Despite being an Apple user for nearly 20 years and having generally positive feelings toward the company, I no longer trust it to do the right thing in terms of protecting my data. I've turned off its Find My services and won't turn them back on.

Amazon also had a glaring security flaw, and although it has fixed that exploit, the flaw's mere existence should serve as a warning to all of us about all of our other accounts. We don't often know what's required to issue a password reset, or have someone get into our account through a company's tech support system. 

But hackers do.

I'm working on another story looking at how widespread these practices are, and while there's much reporting left to be done, it's already very clear that the vulnerabilities at Amazon aren't unique. It's also clear that many of these gaping security holes are common knowledge within certain communities online. Bored teenagers up late on hot summer nights know more about social engineering exploits than I would wager most of the executives at affected companies do. That needs to change. 

Previously, when I had the option for ease-of-use versus security, I always went the easy route. I stored my credit cards with the merchants I used for faster transactions. I didn't enable two-factor authentication on Google or Facebook. I never set up dedicated (and secret) e-mail accounts for password management. I take those steps now. But I also know that no matter what security measures I take, they can all be undone by factors beyond my control.

We don't own our account security. And as more information about us lives online in ever more locations, we have to make sure that those we entrust it with have taken the necessary steps to keep us safe. That's not happening now. And until it does, what happened to me could happen to you. 

Go Back to Top. Skip To: Start of Article.


^ed 





^ed 

Fwd: Detecting suspicious activity on your account -



^ed 

Begin forwarded message:

From: Elyssa 
Date: August 20, 2016 at 11:22:51 PM EDT
To: Judge Eisenstein <daneisenstein@jis.nashville.org>, Gary Natriello <gjn6@columbia.edu>, Tim Wood <tim@ppmg.org>, Congressman Jim Cooper <Rep.Jim.Cooper@mail.house.gov>
Cc: Elle D <elyssad@live.com>, V Rolland Douglas <douglas@officer.com>, Ray Harris <rharrisinc@aol.com>
Subject: Detecting suspicious activity on your account -

Detecting suspicious activity on your account - Accounts Help

Detecting suspicious activity on your account

If you've been redirected to this page from the sign-in box, we've detected suspicious activity on your account.

If you notice any of the following behaviors while using Gmail or Blogger, it's possible that your account has been compromised.

Gmail

  • Some messages have disappeared.
  • Messages you didn't send are bouncing.
  • Your friends complain that they received spam from you.
  • Messages that you didn't send appear in Sent Mail.
  • Your Last account activity shows sign-in activity at unusual times or from unusual computers.
  • Your Gmail settings have changed, but you didn't change them. Settings include: vacation responder, signature, forwarding, filters, and others.

Blogger

  • Posts you didn't publish continue to appear on your blog despite having changed your mail-to-Blogger address.
  • You get comments from other Bloggers on posts you didn't publish.

If you believe your account has been compromised, please follow the steps to secure your account.




Elyssa D. Durant. Ed.M.
Research &  Policy Analyst
  
Elyssa D. Durant. Ed.M.
Research &  Policy Analyst
  

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Security Innovations | OpenDNS

Security Innovations | OpenDNS

OPENDNS INNOVATIONS

The world-class engineering team at OpenDNS is obsessed with inventing new methodologies to eradicate malware, botnets and phishing through DNS, and use the system to intelligently route our users around it. Not to mention speed up the Internet and move the state of the art for the Domain Name System forward. Together they've developed some of the foremost innovations the DNS has seen in its lifetime. See for yourself in our long list of inventions and firsts.

The first thing you should know about OpenDNS is that we value innovation above all else. And you should also know we're committed to delivering the absolute best, smartest and safest Internet experience possible to every single one of our 65 million users.

Check in here often to see what pioneering, needle-moving and overall exceptional technologies we're delivering. We aim to impress. And we're just getting started.

  1. OpenDNS Security Graph

  2. OpenDNS Global Network

  3. OpenGraphiti

  4. DNSCrypt

  5. Global Internet Speedup

  6. CacheCheck

  7. SmartCache

  8. IPv6 Sandbox

  9. PhishTank

  10. OpenDNS Domain Tagging



^ed 

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Sanity for Superheroes:: Asleep At The Wheel

Sanity for Superheroes: REALITY BYTES: Asleep At The Wheel
REALITY BYTES: Asleep At The Wheel

More often than not, a psychiatric diagnosis is made after a brief interview where the "physician" observes an apparent set of symptoms that fall into some category of dysfunction and abnormality. So after about fifteen minutes in a sterile, foreign environment, the observed symptoms are almost immediately categorized by level of severity and the diagnosis is magically transformed into one of several very expensive, very new, and very over prescribed medications that are often used off-label by psychiatric practitioners.

Did we not learn anything from the Hawthorne studies where we learned that the very act of observation in and of itself changes not only behavior, but also performance of subjects in any given setting?

There simply is no such thing as "natural" observation. The act of observing changes behavior, and I can tell you for certain that the act of being observed sure changes mine!

Largely driven by pharmaceutical conglomerates, a psychiatric diagnosis can be every bit a trendy as a pair of designer jeans back in middle school. It seems that lately, that diagnoses are driven more and more by big Pharma and the latest and greatest pharmaceutical discovery.

It started in the 70's when Valium first became known as "Mommy's Little Helpers."

The 80's brought with it the discovery of Prozac, the wonder drug. And before we knew it, everyone from the Island to the Upper East Side was popping the capsules on a daily basis. Seeing a shrink was the norm, not the exception. It was almost trendy to be depressed. So long as it stopped there.

But next? Next came the smart pills. The Adderall, Provigil, the nap in a bottle. Stimulants were to late 90's what cocaine was in the 70's. Only this time they were prescribed, and they were socially acceptable, and they were given to children. Parents from Westchester and Scarsdale rushed to the nearest doctor in town to get their children on the fast track to the Ivy League. I would not be surprised if Shire-Richwood (the company that developed the pharmaceutical gem) bought add space in pre-schools. ADD. It's almost cool to be diagnosed with it. shit—look at Ty Pennington. He's a man's man. When I grow up, I wanna be hyperactive too! And bam—there is was in the next edition of the DSM-IV: ADD with Adult onset. You don't even need to be hyperactive anymore, just N.O.S. (not otherwise specified).

Now we have Depakote & Seroquel and everyone from Britney Spears to the kid next door is suddenly bipolar. And apparently, now I am too! Could it be that I'm just moody or having a bad day? Could it be that your annoying personality and is getting under my skin? Or that maybe, just, maybe I have good reason to be angry or upset? It couldn't possibly be that years of chronic stress have finally just pushed me over the edge?

Or could it?

So after years of being medicated with every pharmaceutical from Ativan to Zoloft, I finally got that golden diagnosis that makes me almost as cool as Britney or Paris, and so, yes-- I have been diagnosed bipolar too. I've also been diagnosed with just about everything else that appears within the spectrum of anxiety disorders, so is it any wonder that I find it a little bit unnerving to place myself in the oh, so capable hands of a shrink who seems to have gotten his degree out of some cracker jack box-- because surely no competent medical professional would dare to place me on just about every sedative and anti-psychotic medication or threaten to have me institutionalized simply because I suggested he may actually want to treat me rather than medicate me... but that would be too labor intensive for a shrink who divides his time between the local community mental health agency and the county jail.

FUN! I'm certifiable now!!!

So rather than take the time to listen to a word I have to say, or try something archaic like actually evaluating my symptoms and reviewing my medical history before treating me with the latest and greatest R&D breakthrough to hit the Pharmaceutical Industry since Penicillin.


I have and taken pretty much every pill.

If I'm happy I'm grandiose. If I'm sad, I'm chronically depressed. If I'm angry I'm paranoid. When I'm confident I'm narcissistic, and when I'm excited I must be manic. Couldn't't it just be that you're constant bullshit is really just pissing me the fuck off?

I have finally become every bit as crazy as I could have possibly imagined one being. Wouldn't it be nice to know that maybe, just maybe, there was some hope before my entire body and mind were tweaked with every artificial emotion --


Unfortunately, the one thing I am not is psychotic, though I often wish I were!

The idea of living in an alternative reality is most appealing! A place where this hell-hole I call home might is sprinkled with glitter and daffodils.

Dust? Not here. Couldn't be. I just vacuumed three years ago and I saw Tinkerbell flying overhead spreading fairy dust while she thought I was sleeping!


No. Unfortunately, I am not psychotic, but I might let you think that I am! It's a little more fun that way… for both of us!

Until, of course, until it gets real. Until I am so far beyond exhausted that I can hardly get my ass out of bed or sleep through my alarm because I pushed myself way too hard for way too long.... I have fallen asleep during my lunch hour, found myself dozing off during a conference call-- or worse--- a webinar!

It is hard enough to navigate a big boxy 5-speed SUV wide awake. Try doing it when your eyes start to feel blurry. Just add a huge ass deer bumper to that contraption, and I'm definitely a danger to others!

I have hit way too many non-moving objects while awake and focused-- not to mention the times I am tired and distracted!

Asleep at the wheel again!

Them I get home... eventually... and it happens again! Asleep at the wheel of the very worst kind: My mouse wheel!

The Logitech mouse optical bar that controls my entire world! How many times have I accidentally lost or sent files simply from "bumping" the wheel?

I lost a whole hard drive once-- back when they were really, really expensive! At least no one got hurt. Well, not that time!

There was actually one time I fell asleep sitting up with a cigarette burning over somewhere too close to my keyboard. My new laptop that I bought with my very last disbursement of my student loans. It was an all-in-one deal. I must have had a cigarette in my hand, my mouth-- don't even remember... but after a few minutes went by, probably a few hours, maybe even a few days, and I woke up to find my favorite letter melted into the motherboard just beneath the flimsy little keys.

That was no fun, since I had to change all my passwords using a pen jabbing at the empty space on my keyboard where my F-key used to be.

I recently had to put another poor keyboard to rest along with its antiquated predecessors of roller balls, and peripherals that I bought long before the USB port was ever an option! So there lays my keyboard, along with a few outdated mice, printer cables, cable splitters, and a a whole lot of cords that surge protectors.

I can't say why exactly, but for some (pathological) reason, I still have mice that I used to run with DOS before I upgraded to Windows 3.1. Yes-- I have quite an extensive cord collection! Zip drives, Floppy disks, thermal paper that has turned yellow since they I don't think you can even find a fax machine that still uses those 6 foot rolls I used to buy in the early '90's.

They are in there somewhere, tucked away in boxes filled with telephone cords, old school printer cables and hardly modern gender switchers! Buried along with an external zip drive and my first hot swappable floppy disk drive and CD . Because sadly, I do not think I could function in this world if I were attached to a keyboard that was missing the letter "F".

But don't worry—I got a new one. I could not live or die without using my favorite word in the English language. No—that one needed to be replaced. Next generation: Wireless! Woo-hoo! Now we're talking. Falling asleep at the wheel can be a problem—especially for a cat. Poor little thing. She is so used to watching me move it around furiously – just enough to catch the signal at just the right angle, my poor cat thinks it's a toy. The only mouse that is more fun to chase than that bird she once caught when she jumped off the porch. Poor little spotty, she curls up next to the PC tower because it is warmer than my bed. My mouse gets more attention than my poor little kitty cat. Holy shit! My priorities are fucked up!

But still… here I am, huddled over the keyboard while the world waits for me outside. I could be sitting in a bar. I could be mailing a letter. I could be taking a walk—but no. Here I am. Stuck like a zombie in front of the keyboard.



"COMPUTER OFF: MAKE IT STOP!"



I burned of staring at that the computer screen begins to morph into strange little dots in my peripheral vision. I'm so stressed out that I shake when I write, and I'm so stressed out that my adrenaline and cortisol levels are literally damaging my brain. If I'm not crazy yet, trust me I'm well on my way!


There is no diagnosis for being lonely. But if there were how would it best be described? Being in a room full of people. Being in crisis and no one to call-- or worse calling someone when in crisis and no one shows up? Which is worse? I think I'd rather not make that call. Why, you may ask? Because we can convince ourselves that is simply because others are busy-- certainly not because they don't care when deep inside we know the truth.

Do I really want to be reminded that I have spent just under 36 years on this planet and that I cannot think of one person I could rely upon in an emergency. Not a single person to call. No emergency contact number, no permanent home address. And even if I could come up with a name or number, who among them could I possibly trust to take care of Spotty? Shit-- I can't think if anyone who would might even notice that my car hadn't moved -- or that I might have.

This concerns me more than I could possibly let on... who will know t check on Spotty? Who would notice? It is not her fault that I don't play well with others. No one would notice at all-- at least until they actually needed something from me.

Everybody calls me in crisis. And time and time again I come running. But sometimes I would just rather be alone. In silence. In White Noise. Where I am safe. Where I am free. Where I am trapped and where I am completely and utterly alone.

Other times, I just want to run. I don't know where; don't why, just run. So I can be alone in a strange city where it is actually okay for me to be alone. It is easier to remove myself from the social circles of days gone by, high school reunions, Family or College re-unions....

And though I have read quite a bit about the physiology associated with the "fight or flight" instinct-- I still don't know if I am running towards something or away from another.

I am, and always have been, "a man without a country." I am a woman without a home. I always have been, and even as an adult I still felt Homeless at Home. (Durant, 2002)

So I moved as far as I could from the obvious places one might expect me to find me. I am definitely a "New Yorker," but only in spirit and in attitude. So I really can't go home again. That simply is not an option. And even if I were invited to go to one of four possible high school reunions, what would be the point? What for?
To be reminded yet again how much potential I used to have?



Why bother going back to the "glory days" of football uniforms and cheerleader skirts? Is our desire to participate in the juvenile, yet ritualistic tradition of seeing how well we measured up against our peers? Is the competition over yet, or are we still waiting to see who has the most toys, the biggest diamond, or the prettiest trophy wife after all is said and done? Are those events driven by our desire to see how far come or how far others have fallen? To see that the girl who fucked my boyfriend in the tenth grade is now wearing his ring? To listen to my sorority sisters who still gossip about eating disorders and drug problems?

Life is sometimes like a car wreck, you don't want to look, but you can't turn seem to turn away. And yes, secretly, deep down inside, we are a bit relieved if not happy that it happened to some extent meone else instead of ourselves. Yep, no question: better him then me!

So for everyone out there who recently promised to help before , during, and after my surgery-- you can all breathe a sigh of relief... You need not worry that I might actually take you up on that promise.

If you don't know me well enough to know how difficult it is for me to ask for anything, then clearly you would be the last person I want to see when I wake up the hospital.

I don't care if it is breast cancer or a broken toe-- you are not welcome here. I don't call during a crisis. Not because I'm strong, not because I'm brave, and not because I'm weak. Simply because I'm not that person. I'm not stoic, I'm not brave, I'm just not that person!

If or when I'm in trouble, disappointment and broken promises are the very last thing I need or want. Even if it out of some misplaced sense of pity or superficial concern. I have been in trouble before. I know what to expect. I am certainly old enough, and apparently smart enough to have learned the rules of the game by now.

So if you catch me feeling sad, lonely, or just plain sorry for myself, take comfort in knowing that I expect you to walk away-- much like you have in the past. And don't worry, it's okay to think to yourself, better me than you.

REALITY BYTES

So instead, I find it is far better to drown myself in White Noise then baby bullshit and pure stupidity.


To distract myself with fancy websites, useless information, self-reflection, loud music... Fancy gadgets, the newest widgets, and everything else that completely distracts us from the reality of our existence.

To keep us from realizing that we may actually be completely alone in this world and maybe even in the next one too...

It is easier to fake a smile and go about my merry way than to be confronted with the fact that nobody gives a shit about how I feel or what I've been doing, unless, of course, I have something they need.

Something of value, something material. Something concrete. Something that can be sold, or something that can be used. Something, of course, other than me.

Because sadly, what gets lost in translation, is the very fact that I am something of value. Something to love. Something to hold on to. Someone who will stay by your side even if it hurts me to do so.

The one thing you will never know, is just how much it hurts to watch you walk out the door. Especially when I knew it was coming, or perhaps maybe the only way it could ever have been.

I think I'm done.

You can come, you can go-- whenever you like. Eventually I do smarten up-- and the one time you come knocking, I may just not bother to let you in.

Yes-- White Noise.


White Noise, Dark Nights. Sanity and Superheroes.



So please don't call me and ask, "how are you?"

Unless you really want to know, don't bother asking. Because one of these days, when you least expect it, I might be ready to tell you. I might be ready to tell the world. I might just tell you to sit your ass down and tell you exactly how I am. And let me warn you: it's not good.


Dark empty nights are only special if you can endure the silence. Not just the midnight hours, but the long stretches of silence and solitude that can only be cherished by those who not only appreciate it, but by those who are capable of creating their own White Noise.

I am lucky that I actually enjoy the dark in the dead of night. Because only then am I am completely free to enjoy the complex whisper of the midnight hour. And finally, just as before the sun comes up, and a quiet calm comes over my body and mind. A single moment where I gain complete control over my racing thoughts and busy mind. It only then when I can actually moment write, post, and submit.





Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
Nashville, Tennessee


"You may not care how much I know, but you don't know how much I care."



________________________________________________________________



Reference: The Politics of the DSM
LIVE: What's In A Name?
Friday, June 13, 2008 7:13 PM
From: "Elyssa Durant"
To: "Elyssa Danielle Durant" Message contains attachmentsWhat.docx (27KB)



Posted by Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M. 
Friday, June 13, 2008
Labels: Drafts Dark Night, Diagnosis, DSM-IV, Psychiatry, Smart Pills, Sorry Works, White Noise 


^ed 





More often than not, a psychiatric diagnosis is made after a brief interview where the "physician" observes an apparent set of symptoms that fall into some category of dysfunction and abnormality. So after about fifteen minutes in a sterile, foreign environment, the observed symptoms are almost immediately categorized by level of severity and the diagnosis is magically transformed into one of several very expensive, very new, and very over prescribed medications that are often used off-label by psychiatric practitioners.



Did we not learn anything from the Hawthorne studies where we learned that the very act of observation in and of itself changes not only behavior, but also performance of subjects in any given setting?



There simply is no such thing as "natural" observation. The act of observing changes behavior, and I can tell you for certain that the act of being observed sure changes mine!



Largely driven by pharmaceutical conglomerates, a psychiatric diagnosis can be every bit a trendy as a pair of designer jeans back in middle school. It seems that lately, that diagnoses are driven more and more by big Pharma and the latest and greatest pharmaceutical discovery.



It started in the 70's when Valium first became known as "Mommy's Little Helpers."



The 80's brought with it the discovery of Prozac, the wonder drug. And before we knew it, everyone from the Island to the Upper East Side was popping the capsules on a daily basis. Seeing a shrink was the norm, not the exception. It was almost trendy to be depressed. So long as it stopped there.



But next? Next came the smart pills. The Adderall, Provigil, the nap in a bottle. Stimulants were to late 90's what cocaine was in the 70's. Only this time they were prescribed, and they were socially acceptable, and they were given to children. Parents from Westchester and Scarsdale rushed to the nearest doctor in town to get their children on the fast track to the Ivy League. I would not be surprised if Shire-Richwood (the company that developed the pharmaceutical gem) bought add space in pre-schools. ADD. It's almost cool to be diagnosed with it. shit—look at Ty Pennington. He's a man's man. When I grow up, I wanna be hyperactive too! And bam—there is was in the next edition of the DSM-IV: ADD with Adult onset. You don't even need to be hyperactive anymore, just N.O.S. (not otherwise specified).



Now we have Depakote & Seroquel and everyone from Britney Spears to the kid next door is suddenly bipolar. And apparently, now I am too! Could it be that I'm just moody or having a bad day? Could it be that your annoying personality and is getting under my skin? Or that maybe, just, maybe I have good reason to be angry or upset? It couldn't possibly be that years of chronic stress have finally just pushed me over the edge?



Or could it?



So after years of being medicated with every pharmaceutical from Ativan to Zoloft, I finally got that golden diagnosis that makes me almost as cool as Britney or Paris, and so, yes-- I have been diagnosed bipolar too. I've also been diagnosed with just about everything else that appears within the spectrum of anxiety disorders, so is it any wonder that I find it a little bit unnerving to place myself in the oh, so capable hands of a shrink who seems to have gotten his degree out of some cracker jack box-- because surely no competent medical professional would dare to place me on just about every sedative and anti-psychotic medication or threaten to have me institutionalized simply because I suggested he may actually want to treat me rather than medicate me... but that would be too labor intensive for a shrink who divides his time between the local community mental health agency and the county jail.



FUN! I'm certifiable now!!!



So rather than take the time to listen to a word I have to say, or try something archaic like actually evaluating my symptoms and reviewing my medical history before treating me with the latest and greatest R&D breakthrough to hit the Pharmaceutical Industry since Penicillin.






I have and taken pretty much every pill.



If I'm happy I'm grandiose. If I'm sad, I'm chronically depressed. If I'm angry I'm paranoid. When I'm confident I'm narcissistic, and when I'm excited I must be manic. Couldn't't it just be that you're constant bullshit is really just pissing me the fuck off?



I have finally become every bit as crazy as I could have possibly imagined one being. Wouldn't it be nice to know that maybe, just maybe, there was some hope before my entire body and mind were tweaked with every artificial emotion --






Unfortunately, the one thing I am not is psychotic, though I often wish I were!



The idea of living in an alternative reality is most appealing! A place where this hell-hole I call home might is sprinkled with glitter and daffodils.



Dust? Not here. Couldn't be. I just vacuumed three years ago and I saw Tinkerbell flying overhead spreading fairy dust while she thought I was sleeping!






No. Unfortunately, I am not psychotic, but I might let you think that I am! It's a little more fun that way… for both of us!



Until, of course, until it gets real. Until I am so far beyond exhausted that I can hardly get my ass out of bed or sleep through my alarm because I pushed myself way too hard for way too long.... I have fallen asleep during my lunch hour, found myself dozing off during a conference call-- or worse--- a webinar!



It is hard enough to navigate a big boxy 5-speed SUV wide awake. Try doing it when your eyes start to feel blurry. Just add a huge ass deer bumper to that contraption, and I'm definitely a danger to others!



I have hit way too many non-moving objects while awake and focused-- not to mention the times I am tired and distracted!



Asleep at the wheel again!



Them I get home... eventually... and it happens again! Asleep at the wheel of the very worst kind: My mouse wheel!



The Logitech mouse optical bar that controls my entire world! How many times have I accidentally lost or sent files simply from "bumping" the wheel?



I lost a whole hard drive once-- back when they were really, really expensive! At least no one got hurt. Well, not that time!



There was actually one time I fell asleep sitting up with a cigarette burning over somewhere too close to my keyboard. My new laptop that I bought with my very last disbursement of my student loans. It was an all-in-one deal. I must have had a cigarette in my hand, my mouth-- don't even remember... but after a few minutes went by, probably a few hours, maybe even a few days, and I woke up to find my favorite letter melted into the motherboard just beneath the flimsy little keys.



That was no fun, since I had to change all my passwords using a pen jabbing at the empty space on my keyboard where my F-key used to be.



I recently had to put another poor keyboard to rest along with its antiquated predecessors of roller balls, and peripherals that I bought long before the USB port was ever an option! So there lays my keyboard, along with a few outdated mice, printer cables, cable splitters, and a a whole lot of cords that surge protectors.



I can't say why exactly, but for some (pathological) reason, I still have mice that I used to run with DOS before I upgraded to Windows 3.1. Yes-- I have quite an extensive cord collection! Zip drives, Floppy disks, thermal paper that has turned yellow since they I don't think you can even find a fax machine that still uses those 6 foot rolls I used to buy in the early '90's.



They are in there somewhere, tucked away in boxes filled with telephone cords, old school printer cables and hardly modern gender switchers! Buried along with an external zip drive and my first hot swappable floppy disk drive and CD . Because sadly, I do not think I could function in this world if I were attached to a keyboard that was missing the letter "F".



But don't worry—I got a new one. I could not live or die without using my favorite word in the English language. No—that one needed to be replaced. Next generation: Wireless! Woo-hoo! Now we're talking. Falling asleep at the wheel can be a problem—especially for a cat. Poor little thing. She is so used to watching me move it around furiously – just enough to catch the signal at just the right angle, my poor cat thinks it's a toy. The only mouse that is more fun to chase than that bird she once caught when she jumped off the porch. Poor little spotty, she curls up next to the PC tower because it is warmer than my bed. My mouse gets more attention than my poor little kitty cat. Holy shit! My priorities are fucked up!



But still… here I am, huddled over the keyboard while the world waits for me outside. I could be sitting in a bar. I could be mailing a letter. I could be taking a walk—but no. Here I am. Stuck like a zombie in front of the keyboard.









"COMPUTER OFF: MAKE IT STOP!"









I burned of staring at that the computer screen begins to morph into strange little dots in my peripheral vision. I'm so stressed out that I shake when I write, and I'm so stressed out that my adrenaline and cortisol levels are literally damaging my brain. If I'm not crazy yet, trust me I'm well on my way!






There is no diagnosis for being lonely. But if there were how would it best be described? Being in a room full of people. Being in crisis and no one to call-- or worse calling someone when in crisis and no one shows up? Which is worse? I think I'd rather not make that call. Why, you may ask? Because we can convince ourselves that is simply because others are busy-- certainly not because they don't care when deep inside we know the truth.



Do I really want to be reminded that I have spent just under 36 years on this planet and that I cannot think of one person I could rely upon in an emergency. Not a single person to call. No emergency contact number, no permanent home address. And even if I could come up with a name or number, who among them could I possibly trust to take care of Spotty? Shit-- I can't think if anyone who would might even notice that my car hadn't moved -- or that I might have.



This concerns me more than I could possibly let on... who will know t check on Spotty? Who would notice? It is not her fault that I don't play well with others. No one would notice at all-- at least until they actually needed something from me.



Everybody calls me in crisis. And time and time again I come running. But sometimes I would just rather be alone. In silence. In White Noise. Where I am safe. Where I am free. Where I am trapped and where I am completely and utterly alone.



Other times, I just want to run. I don't know where; don't why, just run. So I can be alone in a strange city where it is actually okay for me to be alone. It is easier to remove myself from the social circles of days gone by, high school reunions, Family or College re-unions....



And though I have read quite a bit about the physiology associated with the "fight or flight" instinct-- I still don't know if I am running towards something or away from another.



I am, and always have been, "a man without a country." I am a woman without a home. I always have been, and even as an adult I still felt Homeless at Home. (Durant, 2002)



So I moved as far as I could from the obvious places one might expect me to find me. I am definitely a "New Yorker," but only in spirit and in attitude. So I really can't go home again. That simply is not an option. And even if I were invited to go to one of four possible high school reunions, what would be the point? What for?
To be reminded yet again how much potential I used to have?









Why bother going back to the "glory days" of football uniforms and cheerleader skirts? Is our desire to participate in the juvenile, yet ritualistic tradition of seeing how well we measured up against our peers? Is the competition over yet, or are we still waiting to see who has the most toys, the biggest diamond, or the prettiest trophy wife after all is said and done? Are those events driven by our desire to see how far come or how far others have fallen? To see that the girl who fucked my boyfriend in the tenth grade is now wearing his ring? To listen to my sorority sisters who still gossip about eating disorders and drug problems?



Life is sometimes like a car wreck, you don't want to look, but you can't turn seem to turn away. And yes, secretly, deep down inside, we are a bit relieved if not happy that it happened to some extent meone else instead of ourselves. Yep, no question: better him then me!



So for everyone out there who recently promised to help before , during, and after my surgery-- you can all breathe a sigh of relief... You need not worry that I might actually take you up on that promise.



If you don't know me well enough to know how difficult it is for me to ask for anything, then clearly you would be the last person I want to see when I wake up the hospital.



I don't care if it is breast cancer or a broken toe-- you are not welcome here. I don't call during a crisis. Not because I'm strong, not because I'm brave, and not because I'm weak. Simply because I'm not that person. I'm not stoic, I'm not brave, I'm just not that person!



If or when I'm in trouble, disappointment and broken promises are the very last thing I need or want. Even if it out of some misplaced sense of pity or superficial concern. I have been in trouble before. I know what to expect. I am certainly old enough, and apparently smart enough to have learned the rules of the game by now.



So if you catch me feeling sad, lonely, or just plain sorry for myself, take comfort in knowing that I expect you to walk away-- much like you have in the past. And don't worry, it's okay to think to yourself, better me than you.



REALITY BYTES



So instead, I find it is far better to drown myself in White Noise then baby bullshit and pure stupidity.






To distract myself with fancy websites, useless information, self-reflection, loud music... Fancy gadgets, the newest widgets, and everything else that completely distracts us from the reality of our existence.



To keep us from realizing that we may actually be completely alone in this world and maybe even in the next one too...



It is easier to fake a smile and go about my merry way than to be confronted with the fact that nobody gives a shit about how I feel or what I've been doing, unless, of course, I have something they need.



Something of value, something material. Something concrete. Something that can be sold, or something that can be used. Something, of course, other than me.



Because sadly, what gets lost in translation, is the very fact that I am something of value. Something to love. Something to hold on to. Someone who will stay by your side even if it hurts me to do so.



The one thing you will never know, is just how much it hurts to watch you walk out the door. Especially when I knew it was coming, or perhaps maybe the only way it could ever have been.



I think I'm done.



You can come, you can go-- whenever you like. Eventually I do smarten up-- and the one time you come knocking, I may just not bother to let you in.



Yes-- White Noise.






White Noise, Dark Nights. Sanity and Superheroes.









So please don't call me and ask, "how are you?"



Unless you really want to know, don't bother asking. Because one of these days, when you least expect it, I might be ready to tell you. I might be ready to tell the world. I might just tell you to sit your ass down and tell you exactly how I am. And let me warn you: it's not good.






Dark empty nights are only special if you can endure the silence. Not just the midnight hours, but the long stretches of silence and solitude that can only be cherished by those who not only appreciate it, but by those who are capable of creating their own White Noise.



I am lucky that I actually enjoy the dark in the dead of night. Because only then am I am completely free to enjoy the complex whisper of the midnight hour. And finally, just as before the sun comes up, and a quiet calm comes over my body and mind. A single moment where I gain complete control over my racing thoughts and busy mind. It only then when I can actually moment write, post, and submit.















Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
Nashville, Tennessee






"You may not care how much I know, but you don't know how much I care."






________________________________________________________________









Reference: The Politics of the DSM
LIVE: What's In A Name?
Friday, June 13, 2008 7:13 PM
From: "Elyssa Durant"
To: "Elyssa Danielle Durant" Message contains attachmentsWhat.docx (27KB)









Posted by Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M. 
Friday, June 13, 2008
Labels: Drafts Dark Night, Diagnosis, DSM-IV, Psychiatry, Smart Pills, Sorry Works, White Noise


^ed