@Aspienaut - WIRED differently || On Change by Paul Siebenthal

All change in the differently wired brain : Aspienaut : WIRED differently

aspienaut.tumblr.com | Nov 30th -0001

It has been of late a period of great change for me.  With this change comes a degree of anxiety familiar to all humans, we are after all, creatures of habit.  For me and many other people on the autistic spectrum change has another degree of significance.  Change is in many ways similar to the effect of sensory overload.  For me the two are connected.  This connection comes down simply to the need for quiet and a sense of peace and calm in a world that is full of so much information, noise and people.  In order to survive this world many of us need a safe place, a place that unlike the rest of the world, we have some control over.  If I don’t have a place like this I become very unhappy, very stressed and eventually I will begin to, ‘shut-down.’  Many people on the spectrum have ‘meltdowns’ I have, ‘shut-downs.’  I retreat into myself, my mind becomes slow, I stop wanting to connect with the world and I go into a type of ‘stand-by’ mode.  My thought processes slow and in the end, virtually stop.  I become in a medical sense very depressed.  This depression is however, in my case, a protective state, but if I stay in this place too long then it can become life threatening as I begin to lose any sense of purpose or meaning in anything and even existence seems too much.  I have in the piece ‘Swim‘ described this place on this blog in more detail.  

 This state is the opposite of the creative state.  In the creative state, which is my default, I have this over sensitive sensory and cognitive system that sees patterns, forms connections, builds ideas and concepts freely and quickly.  It problem solves at speed and in a way that many don’t think of.  This is then the creative benefit of the “Differently Wired” brain.  The cost of this, is the walking of a sensory knife-edge between enough stimulation and overload.  For me this is achieved through my attempts to create a semblance of control.  This is why as I child I lined my toys up and had to have my bedroom, just so.  It is also why I still eat my food in a particular order, why I stim with my feet and why I need a safe place to be where I feel ok and I can escape to.  

This is why those of us on the spectrum struggle with change.  On the surface it may seem to outsiders like a selfish, childish temper tantrum or being in a mood.  To the person experiencing this state it is simply a matter of survival.  I am not over stating this!  It is a matter of survival.  When I have been in, ‘shut-down’ I have come very close to believing that the only option was to permanently switch myself off.  

Change is very difficult for us and when you see someone on the spectrum trying to cope in this busy world of noise and information, try to remember this.  They are getting it all.  All the noise, all the voices, all the smells, all the faces, the cars, the lights, their clothes, their skin, their senses, all the time, everyday.  Most brains filter out ninety percept of this information, we do not.  Thats why we need peace, need safety, need a place to be ourselves.  Its essential, like air!  Change and our lack of control over it, sends us into a state of fear that is existential and is a continual battle of survival.  I hope this helps others to understand us better.  It is this battle for understanding, acceptance and peace that my writing and blog are focused on.  It’s also why I celebrate creativity and champion the ‘Differently Wired!’

© Paul C Siebenthal March 2012

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