Tears in Heaven
And here it is, morning and this space remains empty. I really thought I could reach you. Tell you how your (lack of) Communications was being received on my end and that surely you would understand and see that by saying nothing, you were adding chaos, stress and confusion to an already complicated situation.
I have no doubt you are hurting, if you told Jess she is no doubt hurting but you two have each other and she has your ring and your child so there’s no doubt that she has everything I ever wanted but didn’t get.
So as you two rediscover each other and work through everything~ much of which started before I came along and will persist long after I’m gone, at least you have each other to hold on to.
And once again, I have nothing. And for all the times you told me and promised you would never do this again there was always doubt in my mind knowing your history.
When you told me you loved me I believed you. When you told me you would find a way to stay connected to me and nothing would change when you left rehab, I believed you. I knew we wouldn’t be able to speak three times a day like we had been but never did I expect it so suddenly and so soon.
I hoped we could meet up in July and once I realized that wasn’t going to happen I realized that we would never see or touch each again. Much the way I had when we first reconnected and you told me over and over and over and over again however committed and loyal you were to your wife.
I accepted it then and we managed to build and maintain a relationship so what had changed.
I assume at this point you are on dialysis and no doubt very sick and coming to terms with your own mortality and I get it. Because when I was in the hospital I had already made plans to be taken off life support.
You weren’t around so I said goodbye to my family and the few people I have in my life three of whom are now dead and realized how tangential my connection to this world and my place in it.
If you’re dying, I want the chance to tell you how much joy, happiness and stability you brought to my life. Yes, our relationship was tumultuous at times but spanned the course of 30 years.
We were each other’s first and that’s something and someone you never forget. No matter how hard you try, or how hard you try to push me aside, I will ALWAYS love you for giving me a safe place to fall and loving arms to Lee me safe and warm at night.
No. Things don’t work out. But these are things you should know before it’s too late. I already wrote your eulogy but I’ll never have the chance to read it. And wouldn’t you rather here these things while you are still alive and can absorb the impact of you’ve made on the lives of others.
So many of us are stronger, better, wiser just from knowing you and having you in our lives.
It would mean the world to me to know that I left an imprint on your soul, heart, mind and brought you happiness while you were alive and I’m afraid time is running out.
The message I’m receiving from you now is that at the end of day, as you are facing death, you have absolutely nothing to say to me. That I’ve added nothing to your life. Just a random mistake you made when I wandered onto your life 32 ago and that your are doing everything possible to forget about me and the time we shared
Maybe it’s kind of selfish but I don’t want to live the rest of my life knowing that your very last action towards me was this deliberate silence. Reinforcing all of my greatest fears~ one’s you don’t even know about.
When we split on 99-00 I became convinced that I was fundamentally unloveable. That I was too much off a burden for any man since I saw how quickly and desperately you ended things from then on I was never the same. I knew I would never have children or get married.
How could I force myself on someone knowing that I was fundamentally flawed and toxic??
And I spent YEARS battling those demons. And when we talked after so many years I was just a little relieved to find out that there were other factors involved and that it wasn’t all me. And maybe, just maybe I had something worthwhile to bring to a relationship and was more than just an object, a muse to inspire others and then be tossed aside when the real thing came along.
For you it was Jessica. You threw me aside and suddenly met someone who had everything, everything you wanted and needed in a partner and you were married within two years wiled I wasted away and tried to put my head back together.
And it wasn’t just you. There were plenty of men. Doctors, lawyers, musicians, politicians, a few pro-ball players and one hockey player.
Some thought they loved me, others thought I made good arm candy but I never let anyone see all of me again. The darkest parts of my soul that you weren’t afraid of.
I held it in my head and in my heart that I was poison and that if I loved someone, the best thing I could do for them was leave them the fuck alone.
And that’s where I am now. Alone.
When I thought you were dead, I stayed up all night, played your favorite songs and talked to you in a small whisper telling you not to be afraid. That where you were going there was no more guilt, no more shame and no more pain.
I sang to you believing that our connection was strong enough it could easily transcend the earthly conventions of time and space and you would feel me and hear me as you moved from this world into another.
Yet, here I am, just a phone call away and I am completely incapable of penetrating your shell and the armor you’ve built around your heart to keep me out.
I don’t even know if you read any of messages anymore.
When Ned died, he had already achieved cult - icon status. It was all over the papers and I didn’t have to search the obituaries because I got a call that night shortly after midnight that he died in Park Slope, Brooklyn so prepare myself for the media blitz.
I cried, and I. grieved and I walked along the waters edge wondering if I should jump the way he did and say goodbye to my earthly form and free myself and others of the intense, pain I was feeling and the apparent pain I brought to the people I loved.
People like you, R.
The people I loved the most are all gone now and I’m desperately trying to hold on knowing that my life won’t be easy and I won’t have those things that make most people happy.
I won’t have a husband and I so g have a child. I’ll have a wake of destruction and broken hearts lagging behind me.
But for just one minute I want to believe I brought something more than just pain and agony to your life. And it’s as really today as it was in January of 2000.
Is that where we are? Back to very worst time of my life where every single day was a struggle to stay alive.
I had a phone but no one to call. I had a heart but no to love.
And in time with therapy, medication, a lot of introspection and self reflection I came to realize that maybe it wasn’t just me. That maybe, just maybe I should stick around for a while and try to give back to children and young adults who are lost before they can ever be found.
I thought you knew me. I thought we knew each other. We shared darkness and light and were able to reach through through silence and the pain and somehow lift each other up.
And so now I’m facing life without you. And there is no question that a part of me, the deepest part, the scary part, the kindest part, the best of me and the worst of me will die along with you.
And part of me wants to jump ship. It’s not like I’m here doing much with my life. People might remember me or make some irreverent comment now vibrant and vicarious I was. Always the girl with the most beautiful smile.
But that’s all I am to them. To 99.9% of the people who “know” me.
I let you in and now you’re shutting me out. And for as much as my life, I believed I was nothing but a burden on the people around me. That I was a leach on society and had a duty to remove myself from it.
But there is a part of me that’s still holding on. Hoping you’ll call and tell me you love me one last time.
That thread to which I am hanging on to in real life, keeping me from ending it... well I’m not just finished yet. I fell two times this week. I dropped a full glass of grape juice all over the floor.
I had a total meltdown because I couldn’t open a bottle of juice, and the maxi pads I ordered had WINGS.
I can’t work wings. I don’t have the dexterity or fine motor control to put a stupid maxi pad on my underwear during my period and I can’t brush my own hair and make it look pretty.
I can assure you there is no smile on my face this morning. I still have trouble walking and I can’t put on my left shoe.
But I’m alive and I’m resilient and I have a story to tell.
So I picked myself up and brought myself to the Crisis center because I don’t want to die. I don’t want to hurt my family life that. I just don’t want to live this way anymore. So I was evaluated and made an appointment at a mental health clinic and they will send a psychologist to me at home so I don’t have to worry about putting on my left shoe or arranging transportation that is a huge barrier for me to access care.
And after Ned died, and the dust settled I saw his “New York Times Bestseller” on display at Barnes and Noble.
I grabbed a copy and went to sit in a nook and opened it to the first page. And there it was, the dedication:
For Elyssa
So as your turning your last pages and closing the book and the story that was us, I’m starting a new one. And it pains me more than you know and more than words can express but this is what I’m left to work with. It’s a story about a girl without a boy and without anyone to trust or believe in.
It’s the story of me. Without you.
Page One
No comments:
Post a Comment