DailyDDose 📓 Kidney Cancer & Suicide

Back Story.

Absolutely devastating. He got kidney cancer and needed a kidney donor desperately. I was a match and my hematologist gave me the green light and I went through the interview process at Mt. Sinai in New York and then they stopped all transplant  surgeries due to COVID. 

My dad had kidney cancer and he knew of my intensions and was supportive. 

We just couldn't make it happen. Just couldn't make it happen.

The most tragic, devastating loss in my entire life. 

I never knew love like that before and there were many times I thought I didn't want to go on without him. 

I called the suicide prevention hotline and told them, all my friends and heroes are dead or dying and I just don't want to be hear without them. 

I was ready to take that leap. Stated searching online for drugs that would cause my heart to stop beating and since my psychiatric care had been so horrific, and I was unable to get  therapy and services I needed… I made some calls and tried to get my hands on some Fentanyl even though I've never used it and don't get the whole painkiller appeal. 

Just figured it would go down as another "suspicious death" intentional or otherwise. 

It just didn't matter anymore. I was done. 

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Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst

DailyDDose 📓 February 3, 2022: Is this love?

DailyDDose 📓 February 3, 2022

Is this love? 

Spent my whole session talking about you in therapy today. 

I'm in therapy 3x week and now I'm starting EMDR. 

I finally reached a place where I can talk to you without crying and I told her how you helped me get through the first surgery but how you had completely ghosted on me after your cancer diagnosis and before I could donate a kidney (my hematologist gave me the go ahead and then Mt. Sinai said you were no longer a candidate) 

But then I saw Jessica repost that you need a miracle (kidney donor) and I addressed her directly and told her I was a match. 

You must be on dialysis now I guess. 

I was told you only had a year or two to live so I'm very confused as to what's going on but as my therapist told me, you clearly don't want me to know otherwise you wouldn't make me worry like that. 

She said that obviously I knew the "relationship" could only go so far and of course I did, but I was so happy, so very happy just to get your texts and hear your voice every day. 

I miss the way you made me laugh.  I miss sharing our mutual stories and wonder how you made it through the pandemic. 

I don't think I'm in love with you any more… but now that I have some distance I can unequivocally say that I've NEVER loved anyone so deeply or profoundly in all my life. 

I'm cool headed about things now and even if it takes you 10 years to call me, I hope at some point in the future you can spend $20 on a burner phone and call me so we can laugh again and get some closure.

Before we were lovers, we were friends. And I miss my best friend. 

I saw the pic of you out with Freitas,  Brian Deutsh, and a few others. 

You are wearing your glasses and your hair is growing long. You've never looked more beautiful to me but there is a sadness in your eyes. 

And your beard looks amazing. Grey looks good on you. I wish I could see more pics but you don't post Jack shit and I had to hunt down those photographs. 

I just miss your laugh. I miss the way you make me laugh and the way you could always read my mind. 

I won't start texting and calling every day again, but I hope you'll hold on to my number and one day, find the courage to use it.

/ed

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Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst