Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Most people only realize they're being bullied when they read this page; what is bullying, how to recognise bullies and injury to health

On other pages:

Updated by Tim Field Foundation

Different types of workplace bullying
The difference between bullying and harassment
What Is Bullying?

Why Me?

There are many reasons how and why bullies target others, and the reasons are consistent between different cases. There are many euphamisms used to describe bullying (e.g. firm management") and myths used to justify it (e.g. "victims are weak"). None of these are true. Bullying often repeats because bullies target their victims for the same reasons each time. This page may answer the question, "Why do I keep getting bullied?".

Why do people get bullied?

Bullies can act because they are jealous of their target's status, talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions. Bullies act without integrity, and despise people who display it. Sometimes they act with no reason other than for the kick they get from realising that something they have done has provoked a reaction in their target. Making people annoyed can be a cheap source of gratification and amusement. But bullies with jobs fear exposure of their perceived shortcomings, such as inadequacy and incompetence, and these people bully not for fun but in order - they think - to survive. Competent colleagues fuel the bully's fear that shortcomings in their capabilities will surface, so they tend to select targets who fulfil some of the criteria below.

  • Being in the wrong place at the wrong time
    • Bullies are predatory and opportunistic. Irrespective of any other explanation, being in the wrong place at the wrong moment is the main reason.
  • Being competent:-
    • being good at their job, often excelling;
    • being willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same;
    • being successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude;
    • being imaginative, creative, innovative;
    • being able to master new skills;
    • thinking long term and seeing the bigger picture;
    • being helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience;
    • being diligent and industrious;
  • Being Popular:-
    • with colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, etc;
    • Being regarded as an expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional;
    • having a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
  • Having strength of character:-
    • displaying integrity, honesty, intelligence and intellect;
    • having a well-defined set of values that they are unwilling to compromise;
    • being trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable;
    • a sense of fairness: willingness to tackle injustice;
    • low propensity to violence and strong forgiving streak
    • refusing to join an established clique;
    • being sensitive (having empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
    • being slow to anger
    • showing independence of thought or deed;
    • refusing to become a corporate clone and drone;
    • having high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
  • Having a vulnerability:-
    • The need to earn a living from work;
    • being proud of one's reputation and record;
    • being too old or too expensive;
    • finding it difficult to say no;
    • low assertiveness and a need to feel valued;
    • believing everyone is on the same team and working toward the same goals;
    • being too tolerant;
    • being a perfectionist;
    • low propensity to violence and strong forgiving streak;
    • a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking;
    • high expectations of those in authority and a distaste for those who abuse their power;
    • quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty
  • Having raised concerns
    • ... about bullying, fraud, safety or any matter where the bully feels implicated or at risk as a result.

Revenge

This list of characteristics apply to "innocent" targets. However, some people respond to bullying with bullying. Sometimes they target their bully, sometimes they pass it down the line to a peer or subordinate. Some see this as a survival technique in an environment where bullying is rife, and it leads to widespread conflict. Revenge bullying does not require the target to have the sort of characteristics listed above, but any perceived weakness will do. Some would argue that bullying in revenge is justifiable, but in absolute terms it is no less unreasonable than the behaviour that provoked it. The perpetrator of revenge bullying loses any moral high ground they might have had at the outset, and ultimately they lose their right to criticise the conduct that they were originally subjected to.

Events / characteristics that trigger bullying

Bullying starts because of one of these things:

  • Structural Changes:-
    • the previous target leaves;
    • there's a reorganisation;
    • a new manager is appointed;
    • Economic forces make the bully's job more difficult than normal - a big order or a downturn;
  • Target's Popularity:-
    • The target's performance unwittingly highlights, draws attention to, exposes or invites unfavourable comparison with the bully's lack of performance
    • The target unwittingly becomes the focus of legitimate attention, making the bully jealous;
    • The target receives obvious displays of affection, respect or trust from co-workers;
    • gaining recognition for achievements, eg winning an award or being publicly recognised
    • gaining promotion
  • Target's Integrity:-
    • The target questions or refuses to obey an instruction that would require violation of law, rules, procedures etc
    • The target stands up for a co-worker who is already being bullied. This may result in instant suspension on specious grounds;
    • blowing the whistle on incompetence, malpractice, fraud, illegality, breaches of procedure, breaches of health & safety regulations etc. Again, this can lead to instant suspension on specious grounds;
    • undertaking trade union duties or performing other activities that are protected by law;
    • challenging the status quo, especially unwittingly;
  • Personal Characteristic of the Target:-
    • suffering illness or injury, whether work related or not
    • Being the wrong race, gender, gender orientation, religion, being disabled etc. While it is unlawful to bully someone for reasons related to such characteristics, a person could be bullied because they have ginger hair, blonde hair, too many spots, too few spots, are too tall, too short etc - in fact, for an infinite number of reasons.

A typical sequence of events is:

  • The target is selected using the criteria above, then bullied for months, perhaps years. Eventually, the target asserts their right not to be bullied, perhaps by filing a complaint with Human Resources.
  • It's one word against another with no witnesses and no evidence. Bullies readily lie and manipulate facts and people, so HR accepts the bully's word over the target's.
  • HR is further hoodwinked by the bully into getting rid of the target, often on concocted or false conduct or capability grounds that give bystanders the feeling that the dismissal is legitimate.(
    • (The HR manager might be a close ally of the bully, and proceeds without considering any moral or legal issues other than "is this going to come back and bite me?")
  • Once the target is gone, there's a period of between 2-14 days, then a new target is selected and the process starts again. This is because bullying is an obsessive/compulsive behaviour and serial bullies seem unable to survive without having someone onto whom they can project their inadequacies.
  • Even if the employer realises that they might have sided with the wrong person in the past, they are unlikely to admit it because of fear of legal liabilities. If the target begins legal proceedings, they often end with out-of-court settlements with confidentiality clauses.
  • Employers often promote serial bullies more readily than others, possibly because they are utterly beguiled by them, or perhaps as a form of appeasement because the manager is frightened of what the bully might do. Promotion after a bullying-related dispute is sometimes granted as if to compensate the bully for all the trouble they have been through.

Bullyonline is a project of the Tim Field Foundation and is funded in part by sales of books

Welcome to Bully OnLine, web site of the UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line where Tim Field shares his unique insight into bullying and its effects on health and profits. Explore the site by clicking the coloured text or mauve buttons at the bottom of each page. If you have question, see the frequently asked questions page.


Where now at Bully OnLine?
Frequently asked questions (FAQs) about bullying
Overcoming myths, misperceptions and stereotypes
The answer to Why don't you stand up for yourself?
Bullying and vulnerability
Why have my colleagues deserted me?
What's the difference between bullying and mobbing?
What is harassment and discrimination?
Why grievance procedures are inappropriate for dealing with bullying
The difference between bullying and management
Facts, figures, surveys, costs of bullying | Cost of bullying to UK plc
UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line statistics
Profile of the serial bully - who does this describe in your life?
Information for nurses | Information for voluntary sector employees
Information for teachers being bullied
Bullying of lecturers in further education
Bullying of lecturers in higher education
Bullying in the social services sector
Bullying in the public sector - the political dimension and
why trade unions fail to support their members

Bullying in the military | Bullying of students
Scheduled training and conferences on bullying | Other events about bullying
Articles on bullying available online
Bullying on TV, radio and in print media
Requests to take part in surveys etc | Bullying issues needing research
Tim Field's quotes on bullying | Vision for bullying
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The Secret Tragedy of Working: Work Abuse - PTSD Chauncey Hare
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 edd, edm

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Last Writes: Notes From The Field


Last Writes: Notes from the Field

What I learned in school today...

"Bitches get laid, hoes get paid'" —6th Grade, English


6:11 PM
Sunday,July 15, 2007
Suicide
Current mood: (^) busy
Category: Life

T: are you alive?

Think of your daughter. Think of your dad and how you felt when you learned he shot himself In the head.

Do you want her to think of you the same way you think of him?

More on this later-- MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more.



9:53 PM
Friday, July 13, 2007

Home Sweet Home

Current mood: @ amused
Category: satisfied Travel and Places

What more can I say? Home sweet fucking homel

3:37 

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M. © 2007-2013
^ed

Unwritten: Cut to the Core: Crisis Counselor On Call

Small Victories for Small Miracles
Crisis Counselor on Call



November 02, 2007

Moved to tears...

Current mood: © peaceful
Category: overjoyed Jobs/ Work; Careers


Let's face it... my job pretty much sucks:

The very nature of being a crisis counselor, therapist, casemanager or any other kind of mental health professional requires that I respond with professionalism to kids who have
been abused and basically fucked over for years; first by their families, and then by a system that fails to protect them.

I get calls in the middle of the night from children, adolescents, and even my friends who are in varying stages of crises— some are suicidal psychotic, angry, and pretty much just all kinds of fucked up.

But today, TODAY!!!!

Today, a child rolled up her sleeves to show me that her self inflicted wounds (cutting) were beginning to heal. She threw out her last razor blade from her hidden collection the night
before.

Today, I won a small battle.

Today, I saw a life change and the healing begin,

Not just for her, but for all of us. Today,

J won a small battle.

As one of my former clients told me, what I do is important— because even though I may not change hundreds or thousands of lives every day of my fife, I make a difference one life at a
time.

At the time, I couldn't: stop the tears from my eyes; now I csn't stop the warm feeling that has taken hold of my body and the smile I am wearing instead of the tears.

Congratulations beautiful girl, I am so very proud of you!

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M. © 2007-2013

Do People With Aspergers Develop PTSD like Symptoms Due To ASD?

Tags: None
  1. King_Oni's Avatar

    King_Oni said:

    A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    Recently I've been thinking, while flipping through the copy of my end assesment/diagnosis of my therapist.

    Could it be possible that due to the way people on the spectrum are said to process information, as well as sensory stimuli overload, that some might be more prone to exhibit more Post-traumatic stress disorder like symptoms?

    The likeliness that certain everyday things might be to stressful and lead to avoidance or more severe anxiety and thus for a impairment to function "normally". I feel it's quite similar to a meltdown, where avoidance might be more something to where you're "overprotective" of yourself to not expose yourself to possible triggers.

    It's just a random thought I had. Anyone care to share thoughts about it?
  2. arthurfakaya's Avatar

    arthurfakaya said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    I think it is less socially acceptable to have meltdowns as we pass from childhood / adolescence to adulthood. While we're kids we know our parents will tolerate our symptomatic behaviour; however, we soon learn that our peers and other adults are less tolerant of it. For instance, my Aspergers-and-schizophrenic stepson would only have meltdowns in front of his family, and never at school or out in public. Others couldn't imagine the meltdown behaviour - which he'd store up all day waiting for a time and a trigger to vent. Other's always commented what an angel he was in their presence. It is sadly ironic that the people who love the Aspergers child the most are the ones who suffer the most. 

    As adults we suppress this frustration or redirect it into other channels - which could potentially manifest as, say, PTSD-like symptoms. I know I have taught myself to calm down to cope with my extreme anxiety; otherwise I don't think I could have coped with half of what I have had to endure over the last few years. To others I must look cool and unfazed, but this is a front; one which may well be causing me harm in other ways (bottling up all my tension cannot be healthy).
    Last edited by arthurfakaya; 11th June 2012 at 08:05 AM.
    The mind is like a parachute. It only works when it's open.
    If vegetarians only eat vegetables, does that mean humanitarians only eat humans?
  3. Bay's Avatar

    Bay said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    I actually have PTSD; my main symptom is disassociation.
  4. Arashi222's Avatar

    Arashi222 said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    I have PTSD too, but its not from AS. Its from other things that happened in my life. But I think it might be that I was more prone to it because of the way things do affect me. Maybe. I don't know. But it would be a good thing to maybe study in our population.

    ~Rev: You need the one thing that all of your knowledge cannot provide... Wisdom.
    Harper: Wisdom. Great. Show me the yellow brick road, Mr Wizard. How do I get wisdom?
    Rev: Let go, Harper. Let go. Give over to The Divine. All that you are. All that you have. Including your pain. Calm your breath. Repeat. My pain belongs to the divine. It is like air. It is like water.
    (Andromeda)~
  5. King_Oni's Avatar

    King_Oni said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    Recently I've been thinking about this thread a bit. I wanted to open a new thread, but it might fit alongside this thread.

    Since I'm looking into filing for disability benefits right now, the question arises in the sense of "what have you done to fix your issues"... I don't know if I've done enough, or more than enough, or not even enough, however, the thing that keeps popping up in terms of a question is; 

    How much is acceptable to out of your comfort zone? In general it's being stressed to go out of your comfort zone a bit, but what is a bit? And what if it backfires, who's to blame? Me for trying? The others for making the wrong assessment and "forcing" me? Is anyone even to blame.

    My friend got talks with a doctor at disability benefits office and she told him "why don't you try meds?" and "why don't you try a (and she said this literally; well according to him) mindnumbing assembly job?". And while it's both vaild points to try, I feel that this doctor isn't aware of the problems it might give. My therapist told me that meds for me are a big risk over comorbid factors. And I've had my share of a "simple" job, it drove me mad and into a therapists office with a depression. 

    So in that... what's the accepted threshold of your comfortzone, clearly there's no universal answer to this, and as such they want everyone to try, yet we all know that some of us will have a meltdown, break stuff or get angry, not everyone is passive-agressive in meltdown mode. I am quite sure that if I were to, say... in an extreme case, have a meltdown, and in all rage cut someone with a blade I need on my job for opening boxes... I'm actually the one who gets blamed, but actually it's a consequence of forcing people out of comfortzones. And I feel things can be worse and lead to mental trauma... on that sidenote; I'll confess, that if I ever see my former supervisor anywhere, chances are I'm smashing his face in with a tile from the sidewalk. I'm having distressing thoughts and dreams just of that job (pretty much the only thing I have weird dreams about... previous jobs), and said supervisor... I don't know if it's nightmares, but at least... I feel, that within my psyche he fucked up badly. I hold a grudge over it. I'm fine with ignoring the company I worked at, but to be honest, I'd be happy if I ever read it burned down.

    So yes, with that... comfortzones, being pushed out of them and in the end having somewhat of a mental trauma cause of it. I don't feel no one is to blame for it and actually I don't feel I should be blamed for my actions either... having someone with, well.. mental issues, and forcing him to something with a surprise outcome looks more like you're framing that person, just in case he does something bad.
  6. Soup's Avatar

    Soup said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    I've wondered about Aspies & PTSD myself. Like all people, many of us have been subjected to or experienced additional traumatic events. Some were persistently singled out for abuse within their familial setting. Others among us faced bullying in school or the playground etc. This mightn't have even had anything to do with AS: some faced it because they were part of some visible minority group or were of a different (to whatever the mainstream is where they lived) religion. Having (some of us VERY significant ones!) social & emotional 'impairments' (differences..whatever..) our ability to understand, respond to, cope with & seek support for these challenges is also compromised. further complicating matters is the fact that the people to whom we would have to turn for support are most likely NTs (often clueless!) themselves!! Add to that our quirks & sensitivities & complex relationship with mainstream culture, I'd bet that we ALL have a degree of PTSD.

    That doesn't even take into consideration Aspies who were bounced through the social services/foster care system like a basketball, those who lived in deeply dysfunctional homes or who themselves have been homeless or incarcerated! 

    As for what you could have done to somehow 'fix your issues' I'd say HOW could you possibly be expected do such a thing when the underlying fundamental differences between an Aspie & the Neurotypical-normative world remain glaringly intact? This is akin to expecting a soldier suffering from PTSD to 'get over it' while still on the battlefield witnessing horrors! For Aspies, there's no POST in PTSD. Although the bullying & direct abuse may have ended or lessened significantly, the social isolation, sense of shame, fear of doing the wrong thing, screwing up or melting down creates a 'bunker' mentality: a need to hunker down & protect oneself, retreat & regroup or hibernate altogether.

    As an Aspie, I gauge my state of 'okayness' according to the checklist below. 

    If I'm:

    1. physically alive, non suicidal & surviving,
    2. not a hopelessly babbling detached mad woman (or man), 
    3. not a trembling emaciated addict 
    4. nor a violent maniac,
    5. maintained a reasonable level of grooming & hygiene on person & your environment
    6. Have taken care of my pets
    7. Have on occasion talked to some people (be that work, family, spouse, friend, fellow student, shrink...who it is doesn't matter so much as the fact that I haven't completely gone awol)
    8. Have paid basic attention to health/fitness/nutritional/medical needs

    I'VE DONE ENOUGH!!!

    Until NTs form some kind of committee & fix themselves & render the planet more user friendly for Aspies (& others with challenges) what we really will have is TSD.
  7. King_Oni's Avatar

    King_Oni said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    I think the big thing is, and I've adressed it before in this thread; aspies can have a different way of perceiving the world... a small example would be if your parents would hit you as a kid. Some people say "it's part of raising them"... but what if, especially with the social unawareness of people on the spectrum, someone who gets slapped processes this action differently and has an intense hatred against said parent with harmful intentions. 

    I don't think you could blame the parents for trying to do what's right, I do want people to be reminded to the fact that there is no right. Just keep in mind that every person is different, and having a different mental wiring so to say, just adds to not expecting stuff.

    As for your example Soup... the soldier example; I'm halfway that stage regarding employment. I'm unemployed and I'm given a free pass to NOT look for a job until I have my shit sorted out. The job center gave me that for the time being. But little do they know (or understand) is that I'm on that proverbial battlefield for 29 years already, and considering circumstances, I'm reasonably well off and not totally out of my mind.

    But yeah, I think there might be a thing here or there regarding the way we might process information in situation that to other people are "just daily life", and I feel that, at least in for me, they imprint certain asociations that really should not be there I feel.
  8. Soup's Avatar

    Soup said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    We are on the battlefield with you, King Oni. 

    What NTs consider to be normal daily life is deeply affecting them as well BUT, true to the intellectual shortcomings & excessive emotionality of the Neurotypical brain, they go readily into denial. So many of them are living off of anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressants, sleeping pills to sleep & red bull to awaken. Others are self-medicating with alcohol & illegal drugs or they're abusing prescriptions. This doesn't even consider how many of them have either Anorexia/bulimia or morbid obesity!

    'Just daily life' as it has been structured by NTs is destroying their health & sanity too. Since they lack Asperger's, they are prone to hypocritically denying that they're going batty from it all. Many of them have anger management/rage issues. The divorce, domestic violence & child abuse rates are very high amongst them as well. Kind of makes me wonder who really has the disability!!! There are more of them than there are of us so they got to draft the blue prints for how the world & its cultures etc. would function. Had Aspies been a majority & had the right to design the world, it would be very different indeed! 

    I'm so glad that you have been given time to regroup & take care of yourself. I hope you are able to find or create gainful employment that is compatible with your Aspie temperament.
  9. Mr Faramoose said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    a lot of people seem to be in denial about how they are feeling but just seem to struggle on with it, obviously partially because they have to but to me, it's backwards, all of it, if aspies had designed the world it would probably be easier in some aspects but not others. Eg, most of us like to be alone and don't understand why people need constant contact with others, so if we designed jobs for people where they were on their own 40 hours a week, that might be good for aspie workers but horrible for other people. But then, other people might naturally have a different body clock, some people wake up at 7/8am and fall asleep at midnight, others find going to work at 8/ 9 pm comes much more naturally to them. When I did 6pm until 7am, I was alone for the entire time, and happily so, but when I was surrounded by people and staff in a retail store from 8 until 5pm, it drove me down mentally to the point of exhaustion, which is what a lot of people I talk to say they have. That would indicate working morning until evening isn't actually the most suitable shift pattern
  10. Meistersinger's Avatar

    Meistersinger said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    I've been to New York City, Rochester, NY, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, bawl more (that's Baltimore to you non-natives, hon), Warshington,DC (yes, that' how the natives to Baltimore and Washington, DC, pronounce it., Chicago, M'wokee (that's how the cheese heads pronounce Milwaukee, where the street car goes down around the corner, aina-heh), Minneapolis-St. Paul, Rahckford, IL (Rockford), and Dallas/Ft. Worth. I keep coming back to South Central PA, since it says HOME.
  11. Dragon's Tooth's Avatar

    Dragon's Tooth said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    Quote Originally Posted by Soup View Post
    Had Aspies been a majority & had the right to design the world, it would be very different indeed!
    I have had a number of people tell me they want to see me in politics because they like the way I think. I'm probably not the only aspie in this department. I believe its because we see the reality of the situation, not the sugar coated bleeding heart happy care bear version many NTs want to believe in.

    King Oni ... have you actually stopped and thought "nothing is wrong with me". You might have, I dunno. In a Neurotypical world I guess there is something wrong with us because we don't conform to the Neurotypical way of thinking or life. And I think its so sad that a doctor would say "here's some meds for you" when being an aspie is who we are. It almost sounds like the doctor is handing out meds for having blue eyes or something. 

    I honestly wouldn't be surprised if some of us at least had PTSD. How many of us have had the Neurotypical world tell us we are mentally ill or unstable? If we accept the Neurotypical view that we are retarded then that's what we will think. But I guess we all have to fight in our own way to show the world we are not retarded. We are part of it and until the world stops viewing us as disturbed or mentally ill we are going to fight an uphill battle.
  12. King_Oni's Avatar

    King_Oni said:

    Re: A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?

    So the entire PTSD deal drags on with me... I've been reading into it a bit more recently. I'm still not decided if I should see a doctor that might give me something more "professional". 

    Fact is; I don't know if it will help me a lot. Especially in the issues where it's the biggest problem; getting employed. Factor in that more recently I'm figuring out that part of my PTSD-like symptoms actually stem from jobs I had. Simply put I'm willing to say "any job I had in the past put me in a place of mental abuse". I'm willing to blame me aspergical mind for that. It's how I process this information that makes it sound like verbal and mental abuse. No wonder I'm really, really, really cautious to get employed or even in talks about employment. It's perfectly sensible self-preservation.

    And it doesn't stop there. There's way too much in daily life that puts me on edge. Past memories and issues I've had (including rather small things like past relationships, but surely big things as well pretty much constant bullying), and the worst probably is; If I look at it myself I haven't been dealing with deaths, I haven't been in a war. It's not the.. let's say "common cause". It's merely the way my mind processes information that makes me hypervigilant and on edge 24/7.

    I've been reading about how to get over PTSD as well. Seems a lot of people tend to avoid things that are related to trauma and that's apparently not the way to go. The best way to get past that feeling is by confronting it. if you've been in a car crash, the best thing to do is get in that car again. And perhaps that is the best way. Perhaps it's also the best way for Neurotypical people.

    For me personally and the way my mind processes things, forcing me into a job will most likely create another trauma unless there is a lot of care to how I function and met halfway beyond PTSD and taken in consideration there's a big part of autism in this as well. I'm certain I pose a big problem for any employer to get me back into the system. It's not just that I have a temporary problem that needs to be taken care of, there's a perpetual problem as well, which can lead to new temporary problems. It would put anyone around me on edge to try really hard and not mess it up to put me back in a place that poses new problems for me. Honestly, I don't see that working.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Remembering Ned Vizzini, The Great Story Teller by Kyle Buchanan









It hit me like an electric shock last night to find out that my friend, the writer Ned Vizzini, took his own life in New York yesterday at age 32. He was one of the most enthusiastic, vibrant people I knew; his classic YA novel It's Kind of a Funny Story (which was adapted into a film in 2010) was based on Ned's own stay in a psychiatric hospital after he was gripped by suicidal thoughts in his early twenties, but that still doesn't make it any easier to believe that those feelings bested him now, because when I think of Ned, I think of that happy, crooked smile that you barely had to coax out of him.

I met Ned very randomly at a Human Rights Watch event a few years ago. All of his books (including Be More Chill andThe Other Normals) are about outsiders, and at this tony private home in the Hollywood Hills, packed with polished and well-heeled gay activists, Ned was a shaggy outsider indeed: He was a little unkempt, a little bit loud, and, incidentally, the only straight guy there. But I immediately sensed that I had so much more in common with him than with anyone else at the party, and Ned and I hit it off so quickly that I think we were both surprised. It was eerie how in sync we were on every single pop-culture topic imaginable; it felt like a variation on the mirror scene in Duck Soup, where I would start a topic of conversation — "Can we talk for a second about Jennifer Connelly's introduction in The Rocketeer … " — and then he would flawlessly mirror me and continue it: " … with the pantyhose and the lipstick and the eyebrows? I know!"

Ever since, we had a habit of meeting up at one of the oldest restaurants in Los Angeles, the Tam O'Shanter, to fill each other in on major life developments (Ned, a new father, had begun writing a YA series with original Harry Potter director Chris Columbus and was ascending through the TV writer ranks on shows likeTeen Wolf, Last Resort, and the upcoming Alfonso Cuarón series Believe) but mostly to experience that giddy thrill that comes from talking to someone who knows every single goddamn thing that you do. Ned was a family man who'd grown up in Park Slope and I was an unmarried gay guy who'd never lived anywhere but Southern California, but when we would nerd out about The Girl With the Silver Eyes by Willo Davis Roberts or pore delightedly through a PDF I'd found of the first issue of Nintendo Power, we might as well have shared the same brain.

And he was a great storyteller. Ned had a full-blown anecdote for every subject imaginable, and for being such a nice guy, he wasn't afraid to gossip. I remember a story he told me about the TV star who'd thrown a fit on set, unwilling to say the lines Ned had written for him. It was a genuinely juicy bit of news — this soft-spoken actor is the last person you would have expected to go full-diva — and yet, as Ned continued telling the story, he couldn't help but rationalize the guy's behavior. "I mean, he's the one who has to give the performance, not me," Ned said. "And for all I know, he's having some trouble in his life right now and maybe he just needed to lash out." Ned was bending over backwards to make me feel sympathetic for this actor who'd dismissed Ned's script as a piece of shit, and I frowned. "Ned," I said firmly, "You are absolutely ruining this good gossip right now." But that wasn't what it was. I realized later that Ned simply couldn't tell a story without rendering a character in three dimensions.

I could go on about Ned Vizzini, and especially how encouraging he was of his friends and how genuinely in awe he was of other writers. Everyone he'd ever worked with or known well, he praised at length as though he simply couldn't fathom how creatively that person's mind worked. Every time, I just wanted to say, "Ned, you're a better storyteller than all of them. You know that, right?"

The other day, I walked past the Tam O'Shanter, and I noticed that this restaurant, which has been around since 1922, had replaced its slightly dorky sign with a brand-new crest that was scribbled-looking and ostentatiously hip. I laughed and immediately made a mental note to tell Ned: How funny that a key part of this place where we so often met to discuss nostalgia had now become ephemera itself. I remembered that the last time we'd gone there, he had gotten on his bike at the end of the night to pedal home, promising me that he had another juicy story that he'd have to save for next time, since he had a young son to put to bed. As I thought of that yesterday, and wondered how somebody so selfless could commit such a selfish act, I searched his writings and his texts and his e-mails for answers. Then I found an interview Ned gave that reminded me of that final moment I saw him, a quote about something so vivid and yet earnestly described — so quintessentially Ned — that my heart leapt up in my throat. "My favorite distraction from suicidal thoughts is riding my bike," Ned said in the interview, adding, "Bad thoughts get caught under the front wheel and good ones whiz up the back into my brain.
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