Turning the page

And just for the record, I know how fucked up it is that I'm wasting my time and energy sending telling you these things.

All the issues I thought we worked through came back and kicked me in the ass.

And I'm so god damn confused by your inconsistent words and actions.

I don't even know what i feel. I want to scream and direct my anger where it belongs and I want you to take ownership of how badly you fucked with my head on a whim and without consideration.

I wasn't in this alone. So if you're trying to make me evil or let your wife think that I'm some homewrecking bitch you need to sit down and do some serious reflection.

I would have understood if you had the decency to tell me what's going on. All I know is that it's been months and I cry every day and wonder if you ever think about me at all.

And the worst part is that I know now, with no uncertainty or doubt that sharing with you what I went through the last time you did this fell upon deaf ears.

You KNEW this would completely destroy me. And you did it anyway. And everything in me knows that I need to stop texting and move on but that's not how it works. Not for me.

You were the once person who could lift me out of the darkness with a simple phone call or stupid emoji.

And I want so badly to stop these intrusive thoughts and replaying all our conversations in my head trying to figure out what I did or where I went wrong. Only god knows how much therapy I'm going to need after this... I'm so embarrassed to tell anyone about you and what you did because it is so far over the line of acceptable behavior from ANYONE!!

From a friend, a lover, shit... even strangers show me more respect and acknowledge my existence.

And you've just erased me. Like I'm absolutely nothing at all. Not even worthy of the three seconds it would take you to acknowledge my existence and be accountable for your role in this ridiculous game we've been playing for 33 years.

Well it's not a game to me. And even if you can't see it, I'm an actual human being with feelings.

So when you didn't even text on my birthday I realized that how awful and despicable that was. And it reinforced everything I came to believe about myself and men. The reason I never got married, the reason I never fully trusted someone, but I let you in. And you're treating me like some whore to use for your deviant fantasies.

I let you in. I trusted you. Good help me but I trusted you when you told me you were sorry and wouldn't do it again.

But you haven't changed. You haven't grown. And I'm hurting like hell right now and know with certainty that I will NEVER trust anyone the way I trusted you. I'm so torn apart that I will never let another man into my life or into my bed.

And as much as I am disgusted and furious and outraged by your silence and broken promises I should have gotten over this months ago. You totally humiliated and objectified me.

And I don't know how to move on because you deserve my anger. You deserve anything I could through at you. And you're damn lucky that I honored my promises to you and protected your identity for the sake of your family. And I should hate you with every fiber of my being and I can't explain it to my shrink or my therapist or anyone else because I know how horrible and selfish you are for putting me through this again.

But the sad fact remains that you don't even give me the time of day. Yah may as well have broken up with me on a post it note. You showed me exactly where I stand in your life and through it all I kept your secrets and my promises to you.

Even hate is more than you deserve because that takes up just as much energy as love. And it makes me sick that despite everything I think I still love you and keep searching for what I did and what's wrong with ME that I can't seem to let go.

And even if you don't read these messages it's critical to my recovery that I address the source of my pain.



/ed70