UNWRITTEN: My Father, My Self

July 23, 2013

Dear Dad,

I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but I had to process my thoughts before responding. 

Unfortunately, I had to withdraw from the course and defer admissions since I was about $950 short and was unable to borrow the money from Karen since she told me that she could not afford to lend me the money. 

I was devastated and felt she was being dishonest with me since she just sold the condo my grandmother gave her for over $750,000. 

It wasn't worth fighting over since we both know that it may have resulted in a drawn out battle like the one she had with her brother when Grandpa Al died. 

I was in a deep depression when I saw the deed to the house since Karen promised that she would leave the property to Lauren and I to return the favor. Instead, she threw out all of our things and I collected photographs you had taken of us when we were little girls. 

On a side note, she also wants us to reimburse her for the ObGyn bill when I was born! 

I can't tell you how disappointed I am since I would only need one more class after that for my degree and I was really looking forward to a visit with you since it has been a while and I have some things I want to tell you. 

I finally get it. 

I just wish I could have "gotten it" earlier in life so I could have made better choices and decisions. 

Now that I am growing older, I see a lot of myself in you. 

I have always respected you. Your amazing focus, work ethic, and self discipline. 

Hate to break it to you, but even though I don't have to, I actually kinda of like you!

I used to make fun of you for buying three pairs of the same jeans and cutting them at the ankles. 

Guess what? I do it now too!  I buy three of everything too because I have to come to value comfort more than fashion. 

My ears are sensitive like yours and I go apeshit when I hear noisy teenagers on a train. And if I had a badge? You bet your ass I would flash it too!

I have zero tolerance for histrionics and manipulative behavior and I would rather be told the most awful truth than a well constructed lie. 

I make good eye contact and often find myself speaking in monotone, repeating the same words until they come out just right or are understood. 

I don't know if these traits are from your strict upbringing or if they are a genetic predisposition since I have come to learn that they are common for people with Aspergers Syndrome. Echolalia, sensory overload, a need for consistency. 

Like you, I can be extremely focused and have special interests that have allowed me to become one of the "top four policy analysts to graduate from Columbia's program in the last 40 years" and "the only person [Congressman Cooper] knows in the state of Tennessee capable of understanding the complexities of the relevant health care law and policy issues."

Things haven't worked out the way I hoped and planned but you never told me life was fair or that everything would be okay.

I resigned from my job with the state because I couldn't tell my clients (juvenile offenders or victims of horrific abuse and neglect) that things "would get better" when I knew in my heart that they were in for a cruel, unjust ride through a corrupt welfare system and had little to no chance of surviving in this society if they expected to rely upon the "system" to meet their basic needs. 

The system is designed to keep people locked into a dependence and learned helplessness with little chance of ever breaking free.  

Having lived on under $17/day for more years than I care to admit.

I simply could not be a party to encouraging children and young adults to subscribe to that mindset and tell them their lives would improve; that the system would help them achieve independence when I knew damn well that I was fostering false hopes by encouraging a lifestyle of dependence that would likely continue into adulthood. 

It broke my heart. It broke my spirit and it broke my faith in the system. 

I no longer want to save the world. Quite frankly, I have given far too much of myself and my time working with charities and volunteering with non-profit agencies that paid me far less than I deserved because I let them. 

I am paying for that now. But maybe someday, I will feel confident enough to   demand a real salary and maybe even collect royalties on my publications and the book I wrote that sold 62,000 copies without paying me a dime. 

I hope you will read it someday if you haven't already and know that I finally learned to speak and write the way you taught me to... 

I do hope you know that despite my past and residual anger, I love you and hope that you love me too. 

Love, 

Liz

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.

Research & Policy Analyst

On Jul 23, 2013, at 7:39 AM, Marc Durant

wrote:

Did you ever make it to Columbia and NYC?

__________________

[redacted]

________________________________________

From: Elyssa Durant

Sent: Tuesday, July 23, 2013 7:19 AM

To: Marc Durant; Schuessler George; Rick; Stu; Social Justice; Vaxen; Joel; Elyssa Danielle Durant

Subject: Yahoo's Very Bad Idea to Release Email Addresses | Threat Level | Wired.com

Holy mother of God!!

http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2013/06/yahoos-very-bad-idea/

Elyssa D. Durant, Ed.M.

Research & Policy Analyst

J.Cole Writes Apology Letter to Autism Speaks

by Judy Endow, ollibean.com

July 23rd 2013 2:14 PM

J.Cole offended many over the lyrics “I’m artistic, you is autistic, retarded” in his Jodeci Freestyle rap number. He was called on this.  The Anti-Bullying Alliance created a petition and asked for a formal apology from each rapper, as well as the offending words be removed from the song.

Read the original article and letter on Complex Music here http://www.complex.com/music/2013/07/jcole-writes-apology-letter-autism-speaks.

Kuddos to J.Cole for writing an apology letter that sounds sincere. The disheartening thing about his letter is that it is addressed to Autism Speaks. J. Cole offended autistic people, not an organization – in this case an organization that many autistic people have actively boycotted over the years.

If you read his letter, yes, it does sound sincere. Also, it is very obvious that his view of autism has been gotten through the media. Unfortunately, this is where most of John Q. Public gets their information about autism. And by the way, understanding autism and understanding autistics are not equal things. I needed to say that because most people I run into assume they understand me, an autistic person, because they have heard about autism in the news and understand autism is whatever the news story happened to say about what autism is.

A friend pointed out to me that J. Cole was reaching out to autistics and simply chose the most visible venue. I understand this and it makes me mad. As an autistic I have understood for ever-so-many years just how invisible I am. You see, it is parents of autistic children who have been given by society the right to speak for and about all autistics – who they are, what they want, should and shouldn’t have, what their experience is, etc., etc., etc.  Even though there are many autistic adults who can and do speak to the issues we remain, in large, invisible to society while an organization like Autism Speaks continues to be what is visible. And so it winds up that J. Cole apologizes to this organization, assuming that this will cover it nicely, assuming his audience to be parents of children with autism and college students with Asperger’s. That is pretty much the public face of autism in America.

Regardless of how sincere the apology sounds it isn’t directed at the people J. Cole needs to apologize to for his behavior. Autistics are human beings. We should count as real people. Unfortunately, this rarely happens, but instead typical people tend to interact with parents, effectively sending the message that autistics do not count as real people…again and again and again.

People, please think about this – truly think about it –  For example, if you were hit by a drunk driver and paralyzed how would you feel if the driver apologized to the doctor and everybody thought that was perfectly ok because that drunk driver chose the most visible venue and he meant well. Even though those things are true, how would that make you feel? And then how would you feel if the people at the doctor’s office tried to make you feel ok by saying things like the drunk driver was doing the best he knew to do and he sounded sincere. Would you be ok with that – to not even count as a human being? Probably not. So then, why am I supposed to be ok with being counted as less than human only because of being autistic?

Society’s perception of the autism viewpoint needs to go beyond the parent’s of autistic children and college students with Asperger’s. We need to be represented by our own selves.  In fact, all of yesteryear’s autistics have grown up and yet, very few ask us…they only ask parents to speak for us even though many of us – even those of us who do not have speech – have been speaking, writing books, blogging, etc for a very long time. We still are largely invisible to society. And if that weren’t bad enough, we are also discounted by ever so many in the larger autism community that include parents and organizations – people who actually CAN see us and DO KNOW we exist. We are often discounted and told either we are not autistic enough to know an autistic child’s experience or we are too autistic to be able to understand their child’s experience. So, autistic adults remain discounted or invisible for the most part.

When J. Cole apologizes to Autism Speaks for his offensive behavior toward autistics it feels to us like we are once again counted as less than human – not real people – in fact, invisible. And yes, maybe you are right that it is not really his fault because he has the public perception about autism. I would agree, but then, who’s fault is it? Who is the public? Are you the public?

Read more from Judy Endow on Ollibeanhere and visit http://www.judyendow.com .