Making Peace With Myself: Forgiveness

Posted by my friend Chris McCoy:

A COLLEGE REUNION AND A RECONCILIATION

I just returned from a reunion with my college buddies at Stetson University.  We picked up where we had left off twenty years ago, incessant laughter ensuing.  But the weekend was also bitter-sweet for me.  While I was in college, I was beginning to manifest severe bipolar symptoms, ranging from suicidal ideation to rage.  Although I sought the aid of a school therapist, she dropped the ball and did not refer me for medical attention.  This was 1994, after all, not 2017.  For most of my college experience I felt horrible, particularly about myself.  My buddies had no idea I felt this way; I hid it quite well.  But the turmoil tormented me daily.  

Returning to campus now, I have a much stronger sense of self, in fact the strongest I have felt in my life.  But the campus reminded me of those horrible years in my early adulthood.  All the emotions came rushing back, and the old belief systems came knocking at my door.  At multiple times during the weekend, I excused myself to bawl my eyes out.

For most of my life I wanted to blame young Chris for how he felt, resenting him and wanting to erase him from my memory.  But today I can recognize it was not his fault; his neurotransmitters simply did not know how to behave.   I also recognize that the experiences of young Chris shaped 42 year-old Chris into what he is today, someone who is strong, confident, and just plain awesome.

Thanks to this weekend, I no longer wish to erase young Chris from history.  Rather, finally I can let him sleep, and he can savor the rest he yearned for all those years ago.  Rest easy, Chris. You made it, kid!

My response: 

Very powerful piece. 

I too have reconnected with some college friends. Only to learn they were surprised I hid my depression and sadness so well. I spent much of the last week crying. Grieving for all the years I spent in darkness. 

I wish there was someway I could have found the proper treatment back then. My life would be so much different now. I guess maybe I'm just beginning to make peace with young Chillieh. 

It's going to take a while. There is a lot of hurt and sadness from the past. I've only just begun to heal.

A photo posted this week from one of my college friends who was in the dark about what I was going through. 

Elyssa D. Durant 

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Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
Nashville, Tennessee



"You may not care how much I know, but you don't know how much I care."



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