Apparently this needs to be said... I would never threaten suicide or use that as a way to manipulate you. Aside from what I said earlier (that I wouldn't tell anyone give someone the opportunity to stop me) I would NEVER leave you or anyone else feeling guilty or responsible if I ever were to make that decision. That is beyond cruel and I am not a cruel person but some things you said yesterday have left me wondering if you even know me at all.
The reason I mentioned it yesterday is because you made it seem like the reason you abandoned me back in 2000 was because I didn't love you. You accused me of using sex to manipulate you; you spent countless nights somewhere else, you left without saying goodbye and came in without saying hello. You put a lock on your bedroom door and Treated me like I was a stranger. You didn't speak to me for months and never acknowledged me ôr gave a moment'a thought to what that did to me. I turned my life upside down for you and you treated me with utter contempt and disregard. You either had no idea what that did to me or didn't care.
You say it hurt you as much as it hurt me when we broke up but now I learn that you met someone else, fell in love and were married within two years. It'd been 16 years and I still can't reflect on it without breaking down in tears Into a complete emotional mess.
So, no! It did not hurt you as much as it hurt me. You moved on a year later. I never managed to move on at all.
And when you called me back yesterday to say you felt bad that you didn't say, "I love you" back when I said it to you, you spent several minutes telling me how hard it is to be in love with two people. So calling me back just drove the knife deeper in my back.
You didn't call me to tell me that you love me at all. If that were the case you would have just said it. You
called me back to emphasize how much you love HER. Something I already know and could have done without hearing it another four or five times.
I've told you this before. So I need to ask, were you trying to hurt me? Is that your end game? To keel hurting me time and time again so I am left with no other choice but to walk away? So I am the one to leave this time and not you?
Would that make it easier for you if I am the one to cut you off this time the way you did to me?
You said you don't want to hurt me but you already have more times than I can count. You sent me a message in the hospital telling me you were worried and to let you know if I was okay.
When I was finally able to get back to you five days later, you had no response. No words of joy, relief, not a hint of encouragement or anything else. And nothing further for the next three months I was in the hospital.
How do you think that made me feel???
How do you think it made me feel when you called me back yesterday not to tell me that you loved me but that you loved her.
So that bit about all the soul searching you did after we broke up was just more bullshit. You met someone right after leaving me in the dark with no electric, heat or power and just a mattress on the floor and Pepe, walked out without saying goodbye and got right into a relationship and married the next person you met.
So you want me to be the one to close the door this time? To finally, FINALLY realize that loving you has and continues to bring me incredible, all consuming, devastating pain on a daily basis so you don't have to live with the guilt of leaving me completely, irrevocably broken yet again?
That may be what you want but it most definitely isn't what either of us deserve. You owe me an apology. And you need to man up and do the right thing. Stop pushing me away. So the right thing this time. Say goodbye and tell me why.
You broke my heart again. You manage to do that over and over again all the time telling me that you love me. Giving me just enough hope to hold on to an impossible dream. One you knew was over 15 years ago.
I have to wonder what could have possibly done to you then and now that made you feel I deserved to be treated with such obvious contempt and total disregard.
How did I hurt you SO BADLY that toying with my emotions and giving me just enough hope to close myself off from the world was justifiable revenge?
I'm broken. Time and time again you treated me like I wasn't worthy of your time, your attention, your love, an apology, an explanation or even a goodbye. It would be ridiculous for me to expect any of those things mow.
And after 30 years of this, I finally believe you. And know what to expect in return. Absolutely nothing.
Elyssa D. Durant
Research & Policy Analyst
Columbia University, New York
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