Monday, June 15, 2020

Diagnosis: Loneliness

Well this is good news. 

Since this paralysis and seizures won't kill me, they just make me wish I was dead. 

But loneliness will at least take a good 10 years off my life. I've been completely idol since 2008. And have no friends left. One died of breast cancer while I was in the hospital, one jumped off the roof in Park Slope Brooklyn and my ex only had a few months to live and stopped taking my calls so I have no one left. And I'm pretty fucking miserable and lonely as fuck. 

I already show all significant changes such as cortisol levels, anxiety and trouble sleeping since those symptoms are also associated with PTSD. 

When I was in therapy in my early 20s, I hold my shrink, "there's no diagnosis for loneliness."

Seizures have started again and I have no meds and Manzano's office said go back to the ER. 

I could easily be admitted to the psych ward if they knew what was going through my mind. But they don't do shit there either and I tried they stuck me in a wheelchair and a cockroach crawled out of it. 

They sent me home a few days later with mo wheelchair, walker or follow up appointment with a competent trauma specialist. 

I've been crying non stop since 5 am yesterday morning and had nightmares and was taking in my sleep saying over and over again what my medical chart says is wrong and kept correcting the  rises and doctors in my nightmare. 

Talking in my sleep kept me from sleeping and my body and mind are exhausted dorm shaking uncontrollably since Friday. 

There's no end in sight for at least one week for tomorrow. 

I'll try not to kill myself or anyone else before than. I wasn't manic or depressed until it finally all hit me today. 

I spoke with neurosurgery and they told me to try not to die before Tuesday. Literally. Warned me to get up slowly; use my walker and stay in bed. 

Just fabulous. What a way to live. 


How loneliness could be changing your brain and body
A growing amount of research shows loneliness could be linked to a range of health problems.



Shared from Apple News


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