Update 2020

I've found that I can connect to anyone using music. 

That's why I made a special station in rehab. I know the sound / pitch of my voice makes your ears hurt, so I tried to find soothing music to listen to that we could both appreciate and that's when I got the Beatles One album. 

It would have been nice if I told you that story on Father's Day but i was busy having a nervous breakdown. 

I'm listening to Tupac and Eminem. You've probably never thought of playing that mix. But they are singing the song "Mockingbird" and I remember how you used to sing that song to me when I was just a little baby. 

I have a near photographic memory. It's helpful at times, but it can also be the source of much anxiety and invasive thoughts. 

I try not to get stuck on them. I'm having bad anxiety today. So I made some peppermint tea. I took out some cucumber and I'm bombarding my senses with mindfulness to try to reset my mindset. 

Ooh. That rhymes. 

This is now a blog post. 

I'm trying to pen my descent into madness so when I totally lose my mind, I can find my way back home. 

I got Grandma a very special birthday gift. I got her a compass so all of her children can always find their true North and find their way home through the darkness. 

Tell her I love her. 

--

Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst

Health Update

Dear Dad and Grandma: 

Dear Dad and Grandma: 

I'm up early with some anxiety. I have a telehealth appointment with my anesthesiologist later. 

She's very good. Trying to get coverage for the nerve blocks. Insurance rejected them and they couldn't do the procedure last week. 

I'm trying to have realistic expectations for the surgery next week. 

‪I'm hoping to be able to move my legs again. ‬

‪When my brain tells my legs to move and step forward, I can only take baby steps. ‬

‪I'd like to be able to walk again. ‬

Keep your fingers crossed. 

Sending love to you both through the interwebz. 

I know you are very busy and that I've told you before how grateful I am for all you've done for me, but I just want to tell you again. 

I love you both. 

Liz

/ed70 

I'm up early with some anxiety. I have a telehealth appointment with my anesthesiologist later. 

She's very good. Trying to get coverage for the nerve blocks. Insurance rejected them and they couldn't do the procedure last week. 

I'm trying to have realistic expectations for the surgery next week. 

‪I'm hoping to be able to move my legs again. ‬

‪When my brain tells my legs to move and step forward, I can only take baby steps. ‬

‪I'd like to be able to walk again. ‬

Keep your fingers crossed. 

Sending love to you both through the interwebz. 

I know you are very busy and that I've told you before how grateful I am for all you've done for me, but I just want to tell you again. 

I love you both. 

Liz

/ed70 

--

Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst

Only the good die young

Jason Kutsher was my first love. In 10th grade. He was a senior and went into the Navy Seals. 

He's dead. 

Ned was the very first guy I dated and cared for after you dumped me of at that house in queens. He wrote a NYT best seller. Dedicated it to me.

He's dead. 

My closest friend caught covid.  He wanted to marry me but I haven't thought about any other men since i fell for you. 

He's dead. 

My friend Kirsten was in the hospital with me. She was a lawyer and we used to laugh about my Comcast recordings. She had breast cancer. 

She's dead too

You are my oldest and closest friend in the world. The one who got away. The greatest love of my life. Exceptional by anyone's standards. I don't have to quote your resume back to you. 

And your dead. 

When is it my turn?

--

Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst

DailyDDoSe: July 23, 2020

I should call social security about my appeal. 

I'm a bit overwhelmed right now to put it mildly. Reading this makes me extremely grateful for all you're doing to help me get back on my feet again: figuratively and literally. 

I went hungry many times in the past and made poor decisions. Took jobs that didn't pay enough; what I was worth and did entirely to much volunteer and charity work hoping it would lead to something better. 

Karen tried and succeeded to instill a sense of helplessness and dependence in me and though I can see it now in retrospect, I didn't for a long time. 

There were many, many times when I couldn't afford food and as young as 13 I took a job at Louie's in Port Washington and then the Barge and Jimmy's Backyard because Karen made me pay for my own food when I went to live with her. 

Grandma called me today, and I was so happy to hear from her. It appears I'm back in her good graces. She's eternally optimistic and no matter how many times she tells me that the things you worry about most never happen; I know from my recent experiences and losses that is not true. Not for me. 

On the bright side, I am not stuck in a loveless marriage and don't have children depending on me and tI am grateful for that every day. 

Karen told me she was forced to marry Chuck (who was a decent guy) to take care of me and Lauren and then blames me for the divorce stating that I ruined her life when I went to live with you when I was in Fifth Grade. 

In fact, Karen blames me for everything and takes responsibility or accountability for any of her behavior or life choices. 

I perhaps take too much and allowed it to permeate my outer shell and let it destroy my soul just a little too much. 

I'm trying to reverse those patterns and be more gentle with myself but it's not easy and I will always regret my lost years where I stumbled through life severely depressed and suicidal and believing that I was a burden on my family, the system and anyone who came into my orbit. 

I know that I am a kind and generous person and have given more of myself than I can ever hope to receive back and that's okay. But I'm not ready yet to talk about just how bad things got and things such as food insecurity and how Karen, my own mother, used food, shelter, and compromised my physical and emotional safety and weaponized things such as basic medical care and my most basic, primal and physical needs and used them to manipulate me and the men in her life (including you; Dad) against me. 

Please hold on to this for future reference when I am ready to release it along with some chapters of the book I am working on at a later date. 

Thanks. And I love you. Being given $16 month for food by the state is an insult. Being paid $10.46 hour with no benefits by the government was an insult. Being told by my mother to get a job at Wal-mart was an insult. 

Karen told me I haven't accomplished a single thing in my entire life when I was working as a political appointee and advisor to the governor on mental health policy was beyond parody. 

She was on speaker and I was with the Speaker of the House, Rob Briley, and Derrick Tibbs, assistant to the Governor when she dropped that gem. I calmly replied, "you're wrong. I managed to grow up with a mother like you and maintain a shred of dignity and integrity" and hung up the phone. 

Their jaws literally dropped to the floor wondering how a parent could say such a thing. I got used to it after a while and expect nothing more from her. 

Grandma asked if Karen contacted me and if she knows I'm having surgery. The answer is no. Karen has not made any contact with me nor has she responded to the email when I said it would be extremely helpful if she could help me with transportation to my pre-op appointments. 

Not a single god damn word. Nothing. 

I'll leave it there. We both know how this story ends. Or do we?? 

Much love and gratitude, 

Liz

26 million say they can't afford enough food in the pandemic. What they can do
Amid one of the worst downturns in U.S. history, the number of Americans who are struggling to pay for food has soared. Here's what to do if you're one of them.

Read in CNBC: https://www.cnbc.com/2020/07/23/millions-of-americans-cant-afford-enough-food-in-the-pandemic.html

/ed70 

--

Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst

Wisdom from Dad

Wisdom from Dad:

For those who don't know, I write for several platforms, and my work is available through Amazon, Yahoo, and the AP and several others. 

Gannett cancelled my column when they were bought and sold. It's some pretty complicated intellectual property law but when I woke up paralyzed, I made all of my writing available for free because I felt that it needed to be shared with people having healthcare issues who might otherwise miss the opportunity to hear from a former provider and health policy analyst turned patient in a very broken system. 

I've sat by (literally, because I cannot walk) and watched as Trump and the GOP dismantled all the protections we put in place under the previous admin and know when to stay in my lane. 

The only good thing about this pandemic is that it is highlights inequities and disparities in health care and that it does not discriminate black, white, green or purple. They can't blame this one on Sexual Orientation like they did with AIDS, although Pat Robertson tried and they can't blame it on Obama since he's not in office... 

What we are seeing is a tremendous media bias and I have NO PROBLEM speaking in spanish; sign language or writing for free to get the information out there to special populations who are disproportionately affected by the coronavirus. 

Some people call me a libtard, others call me "Enemy of the People" and I've even been called a commie dyke as if that would deter me from using my white privilege and proximity and access to Mar-a-Lago from protesting there. 

I get letters like this from people all over the world, but this one came from my dad a few minutes ago and brought tears to my eyes so I wanted to share it. 

Thanks, Dad. For believing in me always. 

"You have to play the hand you are dealt.  The results of your first surgery were great.  Everything was coming back all the way.  It was terrible hard work and unpleasant, but it had to be done.  

Same again this time.  You have very good reason, even more reason this time,  to expect the results will be great again.  It was very impressive how you coped with it the first time.  This time will be easier.  You did it once and you know you can do it.  Some people do what they have to.  Others always find an excuse for not rising to the occasion and persevering.  I don't underestimate what you have to endure, but I also don't have the slightest doubt you can handle it.

X OXO

Dad"

--

Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst