DailyDDoSe: July 23, 2020

I should call social security about my appeal. 

I'm a bit overwhelmed right now to put it mildly. Reading this makes me extremely grateful for all you're doing to help me get back on my feet again: figuratively and literally. 

I went hungry many times in the past and made poor decisions. Took jobs that didn't pay enough; what I was worth and did entirely to much volunteer and charity work hoping it would lead to something better. 

Karen tried and succeeded to instill a sense of helplessness and dependence in me and though I can see it now in retrospect, I didn't for a long time. 

There were many, many times when I couldn't afford food and as young as 13 I took a job at Louie's in Port Washington and then the Barge and Jimmy's Backyard because Karen made me pay for my own food when I went to live with her. 

Grandma called me today, and I was so happy to hear from her. It appears I'm back in her good graces. She's eternally optimistic and no matter how many times she tells me that the things you worry about most never happen; I know from my recent experiences and losses that is not true. Not for me. 

On the bright side, I am not stuck in a loveless marriage and don't have children depending on me and tI am grateful for that every day. 

Karen told me she was forced to marry Chuck (who was a decent guy) to take care of me and Lauren and then blames me for the divorce stating that I ruined her life when I went to live with you when I was in Fifth Grade. 

In fact, Karen blames me for everything and takes responsibility or accountability for any of her behavior or life choices. 

I perhaps take too much and allowed it to permeate my outer shell and let it destroy my soul just a little too much. 

I'm trying to reverse those patterns and be more gentle with myself but it's not easy and I will always regret my lost years where I stumbled through life severely depressed and suicidal and believing that I was a burden on my family, the system and anyone who came into my orbit. 

I know that I am a kind and generous person and have given more of myself than I can ever hope to receive back and that's okay. But I'm not ready yet to talk about just how bad things got and things such as food insecurity and how Karen, my own mother, used food, shelter, and compromised my physical and emotional safety and weaponized things such as basic medical care and my most basic, primal and physical needs and used them to manipulate me and the men in her life (including you; Dad) against me. 

Please hold on to this for future reference when I am ready to release it along with some chapters of the book I am working on at a later date. 

Thanks. And I love you. Being given $16 month for food by the state is an insult. Being paid $10.46 hour with no benefits by the government was an insult. Being told by my mother to get a job at Wal-mart was an insult. 

Karen told me I haven't accomplished a single thing in my entire life when I was working as a political appointee and advisor to the governor on mental health policy was beyond parody. 

She was on speaker and I was with the Speaker of the House, Rob Briley, and Derrick Tibbs, assistant to the Governor when she dropped that gem. I calmly replied, "you're wrong. I managed to grow up with a mother like you and maintain a shred of dignity and integrity" and hung up the phone. 

Their jaws literally dropped to the floor wondering how a parent could say such a thing. I got used to it after a while and expect nothing more from her. 

Grandma asked if Karen contacted me and if she knows I'm having surgery. The answer is no. Karen has not made any contact with me nor has she responded to the email when I said it would be extremely helpful if she could help me with transportation to my pre-op appointments. 

Not a single god damn word. Nothing. 

I'll leave it there. We both know how this story ends. Or do we?? 

Much love and gratitude, 

Liz

26 million say they can't afford enough food in the pandemic. What they can do
Amid one of the worst downturns in U.S. history, the number of Americans who are struggling to pay for food has soared. Here's what to do if you're one of them.

Read in CNBC: https://www.cnbc.com/2020/07/23/millions-of-americans-cant-afford-enough-food-in-the-pandemic.html

/ed70 

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Elyssa Durant Research and Policy Analyst